It's Usually Better to Just Charter a Sit 'n' Spin

Having traveled across this country on the three major modes of transportation, I've made a few observations about the differences between them, and here they are:


AMERICAN AIRLINES: The sight of a jumbo jet inspires awe every time it takes off
AMTRAK: The sight of a locomotive inspires fond memories every time its engine roars
GREYHOUND: The sight of a dead octopus hanging off the grille inspires another driver performance review

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Strong safety record in general makes riders feel secure
AMTRAK: Occasional derailments do not detract from decent safety history
GREYHOUND: Twenty riders or less maimed per interstate trip is deemed in company literature to be "acceptable shrinkage rate"

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Provides reasonably tasty and nutritious first class meals
AMTRAK: Dining car offers modest selection of tolerably priced lunches and dinners
GREYHOUND: Condom machine in Detroit terminal once freakishly spat out a whole cabbage

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Submits names of repeat customers for membership in Platinum Travel Club
AMTRAK: Submits names of repeat customers for membership in Gold Pass Club
GREYHOUND: Submits names of people who ride twice or more in one year for consideration on Fear Factor

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Every attempt is made to keep bathrooms on plane clean
AMTRAK: Understaffing can cause some untidiness problems in restrooms
GREYHOUND: Seventy percent of all atheists magically recall the Lord's Prayer upon opening the bathroom door

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Proposed motto: "We'll fly you into the future---today"
AMTRAK: Proposed motto: "The train, it's here to stay"
GREYHOUND: Proposed motto: "Dude, the pictures in the brochure are, like, what IF things were like that?"

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Financial health rides on uneasy tides of airline industry
AMTRAK: Dubious government assurances seem to promise survival for the next decade
GREYHOUND: Will flash breasts for a string of beads

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Uses technology to boost aircraft speeds, improve air traffic control, and refine ticketing procedures
AMTRAK: Uses technology to increase on-time rates, simplify engine diagnostics
GREYHOUND: CEO proposed purchase of electric calculator in 1997; still on backorder at the warehouse

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Pilots began by dreaming as children of commanding huge aircraft across the Atlantic
AMTRAK: Conductors began by dreaming as children of guiding trains through the scenic Alps
GREYHOUND: Drivers began by dreaming as children of swallowing however many reds it would take to keep their friggin' eyes open through Nebraska

AMERICAN AIRLINES: New nationwide TV ad campaigns begin every six months or so
AMTRAK: Occasional TV ad campaigns introduced when business gets truly slow
GREYHOUND: Spamming campaigns launched whenever AOL account is paid up

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Customer satisfaction is number one priority because of intense competition
AMTRAK: Customer satisfaction suffers somewhat from lack of competition
GREYHOUND: Term "customer" used interchangeably by employees with phrase "that fat bitch in the parka"

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Slashes prices during off-peak travel season
AMTRAK: Slashes prices during times of lowered revenue
GREYHOUND: Kind of squeamish about the word "slash" after what happened with those five ticket agents in Tampa

AMERICAN AIRLINES: Has a few of the same characteristics as train travel.
AMTRAK: Has a few of the same characteristics as bus travel.
GREYHOUND: Has exactly the same characteristics as short bus travel.