Women Is Problems

The girlfriend and I had "the talk" last night. I knew it was coming. I've had "the talk" enough times by now to sense when it's going to happen. We had just finished a spirited sixteen-round Yahtzee tournament when it got kind of quiet and she got this weird look on her face. Finally she turned to me and said, kind of self-righteously, "My God, you don't think I exist, do you?"

I mentally rolled my eyes. I explained to her that no, of course I didn't think she existed, which I figured would have been obvious to her by now, since we live together and everything, and I just thought I had every right to believe that I am, in fact, the only "real" person on earth, and that all I see and hear and touch, including every person I know, is an illusion created for my benefit to test daily the skills and abilities that the Creator assigned me. I honestly don't see this as a problem, but my girlfriend got all huffy and crossed her arms and asked me how long this had been going on, and I told her that it had been going on pretty much since birth, and I was who I was. I mean, nothing had to change. We could still sleep together and go to the movies and such. So what if her every word and action had always been vaguely comical to me, reduced in importance to the level of a cartoon character on a TV screen---like Bugs Bunny, she's not real! How am I supposed to react to her? Did she really think I'd come out with half the utter b.s. I do if I thought she existed? Did she think my occasional spontaneous tap dancing and loud, bizarre public utterances were the behavior of someone who had any fear of the meaningless phantasms that make up the world? (Sometimes in the middle of talking to my girlfriend I'll yell stuff like "Apple building waffle pipes!" or something, just because, you know, there can't be any repercussions, and I like to see how the Creator has her react.)

So now I can see this is going to be a big dramatic thing between us, especially since I said that yes, I was certainly likely to smother her quietly as she slept one night if I got bored with her. She wouldn't feel it, of course, just as nothing which isn't real can feel pain or even experience mortality. All that matters is how the Creator takes note of my actions. (I definitely feel like I'm doing really well in this existence, and I'm pretty confident I'm going to be here a while.) Penny has stopped talking to me at the moment. If she doesn't get over it, I'm curious to see what sort of female gets placed in my realm for my observation and study next. This thing the human-like props around me call "love" is kind of fun to toy with, but it's not like Tivo or some of the other cool things which are "invented" from time to time, obviously to reward me for performing well. Tivo is the bomb.