The Tell-Tale Hoover

It's nothing to worry about. Really. In fact, I don't even know why I'm bothering to write a blog entry about it. I'm just going to shrug it off. It's ridiculous to even bring it up, if you want the truth.

It's just that, um, I can't find the On button on my vacuum cleaner. Silly, right? I mean, obviously it's there. Of course it's there somewhere. I paid $179 for this thing, it's got an On button. How else would it collect dust off the freaking floor? It's just that, you know, I've looked pretty much all over this baby, and yeah, I just can't seem to find it.

Honestly, it really doesn't seem to be anywhere. That sounds stupid, I know. But I run my hands up and down, up and down, all around, and nothing. Ha! I laugh! It's not an angry laugh, either. I am amused. I am in control of myself.

Sure, I get upset sometimes when I think about it. Or even look at it, sitting there in the corner, seeming to mock me. It felt like a game at first, but now, um, not so much. I cuss, sure. I swear. I've broken a couple of things. I told Janet that if I didn't find the On button soon we wouldn't be going to the ocean this weekend or getting engaged. I only half-meant it.

It's like they designed this thing to torture me and only me. I can imagine them chortling in their laboratory at the thought of me on my hands and knees trying to find the On button. Why would they do that to me? What sort of monsters are they? Am I so wrong for visualizing their death by fire, or making preparatory notes for the attack I dream of at night, notes I'm naturally just going to throw away without really going through with it?

For to do something like that would be madness. Ha!

They keep calling from work. "When are you coming back to work?" they say. Their voices reverberate in my brain and make it spin dangerously. Soon, I tell them, soon. I just need to find this On button. And then everything will be fine.

I'd like to find the On button. I really would. I don't want to lose any more sleep, or weight for that matter. The thought of food repulses me. Food or showering. I want to, you know, take care of this one little thing first. You understand that, don't you?

Ha. Ha ha! Ha ha!

I feel faint. I'm going to lie down for a while, and then I'll try again. Maybe SuckTech's web site will be back up. Maybe. But it won't come to that. I'll find the On button. I will. It's got to be there.

Excuse me now. I need to be alone. Whatever you hear from my room, don't worry about it. Just go on with your business.

On button.