No More Games of Red Light Green Light Either

As if life in this awful bunker weren't stressful enough, what with the Allied bombs coming closer and closer and our inevitable end looming like a blood-red moon, the Fuehrer has now taken the snack box away. A man from NaziDelites came knocking earlier this month with a most wondrous offer: He would leave a full box of tasty snacks in the bunker, more than enough to last the Fuehrer, Goebbels, Ms. Braun and I for two weeks, and all that was required of us was that we place our coin payment in the cardboard slot at the top when we chose a treat from the bounty, which he would refresh each Tuesday in order to make our final days underground as ill-fated servants of the motherland more bearable. I should have known that like the offensive into Stalingrad, it was too good to be true. For though the box's offerings brought us great snacktime pleasure over the fortnight that followed---Milky Ways, Charleston Chews, Utz pretzels, Funyuns, even gum and a Macintosh apple were devoured with aplomb---Herr Hitler became incensed during his morning money counts when he discovered that we kept coming up a few pfennigs short. "Herr Brunschmitt," he kept saying to me, cocking an eyebrow, "are you sure that you paid the box when you took the last Clark bar? Speak the truth now, like a good German." As if the purloiner could have possibly been anyone other than that swine Goebbels, who was to be seen every afternoon ripping into bags of Doritos and Planters Peanuts alike with nary a reach into his purse to pay up. "Good stuff, eh, Brunschmitt?" he would say rhetorically, his slovenly mouth full. Damn his egoism! Damn his short-sightedness! The last straw came yesterday, when the vendor came to collect, and upon totalling the monetary contents of the box gave us all a pitying look that made us glance at each other uncomfortably and shift from foot to foot. "That is enough!" Herr Hitler shouted, pulling at his hair and pounding one fist against the wall map of England. "There is to be no more snacktime fun in my bunker! You are all liars, cheats, and thieves! If it hadn't been for your deceptions, we would have taken western Canada by now!" It was sad to see him so defeated. Now we have little to pin our meager hopes on. Today came and went, and I swear upon the Kaiser that I would have sold my allegiances to the Americans if I could have just had a few bites of one of those goopy cherry pies that's totally iced with sugar and shaped like a sunglasses case and has Snoopy on the front. Damn this war and all the misery it has caused! God forgive us our awful trespasses!