Do You Feel Depressed?
Have you, in the past week, experienced several of the following symptoms?
1) trouble sleeping
3) disinterest at work
4) feelings of despair
If so, I am looking for several volunteers for a lengthy clinical study on depression. During this four week study, you will, in a hospital environment, be posed a series of questions about your current mental state, such as "What are you, depressed?" and "Can't you lighten up?" and "Any chance of you getting over it already?" You will also answer several written queries on the topics of what gives, what is going on with you with the whole sadness act, and why you can't just think more positively for a change. (A control group will do nothing but sit in a separate room and color in pictures of recreational vehicles.)
During the study, you can expect the questions about your depression to become more persistent and increase in both volume and intensity, ranging from inquiries as mild as "So, what, you're all in the dumps again today?" and as involved as "Would it kill you to just put on a smile and move past it?" Participants in the study may even be asked to respond to the occasional "Shape up or ship out" or "Crying about every damn thing isn't going to get you anywhere in this life, you big goddamned baby".
If you meet the psychological criteria for this study and can give up to six hours a week for a full month, you will be given $400 and a promotional water bottle with the Virgin Airlines logo on it. Those who do not respond to treatment will be cryogenically frozen for a different study to be thought up later.