Thirty-Two Monopoly Strategies That Simply Do Not Work

1) buying both utilities
2) buying Oriental Avenue
3) feeling sorry for the purple ones
4) staying in jail through the whole game
5) hiding your money in your mouth
6) hiding the dice in your mouth
7) spending upwards of $150 at a print shop to perfectly duplicate the property cards and then sneaking them one by one out of your pants
8) announcing at the beginning that a player is only out of the game if his heart actually stops
9) being the shoe
10) saying that whoever lands on Free Parking has to drink expired cold medicine
11) playing with so many people that no one starts out with more than ten dollars
12) threatening to quit after claiming that Community Chest heavily favors white people
13) psyching yourself up by pretending that every time you're forced to pay rent, a baby duck dies somewhere
14) requiring that all players, upon rolling doubles, shout "I am the great god Pan!" and urinate into a hollowed-out pineapple
15) waiting until you're down to your last eight bucks with everyone else's houses and hotels covering the entire board and then deciding to really put your foot down and start kicking some serious butt
16) ignoring the world's oil addiction problems rather than researching alternative fuels
17) breaking up with the girl by becoming cold and distant rather than speaking openly and honestly about your relationship concerns
18) picking at it
19) violating laboratory protocol by weighing the monkey's brain after the saline has been injected into the cortex
20) is that twenty yet? can i go home now?