Now With Concentrated Niacic Flavorithin #47!

Coke, Pepsi, Coke, Pepsi, Coke, Pepsi. This is too much pressure for me, all right? These people want me to make a commitment, and I just don't have enough information. I'm sorry.

All right, all right....Madonna and Jessica Simpson were Pepsi, right? And Coke was....I want to say George Michael and Harry Dean Stanton. Let's face it, both sodas have that zesty summertime tang that cries "Hey life....I can't drive fifty-five!" (For our younger readers, that's a reference to an old Bing Crosby song.)

Whatever happened to that soda from the nineties, it was like....orange and green I think, and it had the can with the map of Egypt on the front....they sponsored a lot of coed volleyball....they had that commercial during the Super Bowl that the National Coalition for the Blind sued them over....

Buzzer's! That's right, Buzzer's. You don't remember Buzzer's? Buzzer's, "the cola with the great oregano taste"?

Remember little Bippy Buzzer, that little hornet with the artificial hip, and he was always cheating on his wife? And that whole thing where the CEO of the company hired somebody to firebomb the WNBA finals?

Yeah. Buzzer's. Good times.

Oh man, you're nodding but I can tell you're lying. You don't remember Buzzer's at all, do you. You lousy liar.

Buzzer's! Come on! Remember, all those kindergartners lost the use of their feet because the blue dye #4 mixed with the chemicals in their stomachs and became mercury? And the union blew up the plant with all those workers in it rather than file for bankruptcy?

Man, I can't believe Buzzer's has been forgotten. How sad. You know what? There should be buildings in this country, either publicly or privately funded, where we preserve artifacts of historical value, for people to walk through and look at them, with little cards that tell us their significance so that much can be learned of the objects' past and place in our culture. Yeah. We need something like that. That way Buzzer's wouldn't just rot in some museum somewhere.


Actually, there's a chance I might be thinking of Tab.