And Yet Yale Rejected Me. It Makes No Sense.

FINAL STUDY RESULTS: INVESTIGATIVE PSYCHOLOGY FOLDER #343

My purpose: To test the common maxim "Living well is the best revenge."

My methodology: One hundred people were horribly wronged in various ways. Thirty-three were fired without cause from their jobs, thirty-three were spontaneously dumped by their significant others, and thirty-three were contacted by phone and informed that a recently discovered clerical error had rendered their high school diplomas and social security numbers invalid. One test subject had all his pants stolen and burned. The victims were then split into two groups. Each member of Group A was given five hundred thousand dollars in cash, a mansion with a heart-shaped swimming pool, and a rewarding career as second chair cellist with the Minnesota State Symphony, while those in Group B were simply given a tube sock full of goat manure and invited to bonk over the head those who had wronged them to any extent they deemed sufficient.

Results: Those who were given the means to take revenge reported 100 percent satisfaction with their assaults, whereas contentment was reported by only 34 percent of those who were made rich and admired. Seventeen test subjects failed to show up for a second day of analysis, claiming I had given them bad directions. Seventy-five percent of this absent group were deemed to be incredible dumbasses who couldn't be bothered to look for the key landmarks I had written down and even underlined in blue pen, while the other twenty-five percent were just liars.

Conclusion: This was a little bit cooler than my study of the effects of washing my feet with Dr. Pepper, but not quite as pleasing as the one where I just had people stand in their underwear and scream for hours on end for no reason at all.