Drum Roll Optional, But Preferred
Allow me to introduce myself, prospective wife-to-be. My name is Soren. And I want to be wanted....by your wanting. I call this little introduction to me
A FIRE BURNS WITHIN: THE SOREN STORY
Yes, potential soulmate, you're not reading just another blog entry. You're about to get a glimpse inside the soul of one of America's leading bachelors. That bachelor is me, and for this glimpse, I hope you're wearing sunglasses. Because it's really intense. The soul glimpse I just mentioned, I mean. It might hurt your eyes, that's the metaphor.
Oh, I'm not saying I'm the greatest catch around, that I'd make a good long-term partner, or even that I can read at a ninth grade level. But if you talk to every girl who's ever dumped me, they'd all say there's something about me they just couldn't resist. It can't be explained by science, and it can't be quantified by even the most powerful Radio Shack calculator. I call this mysterious X factor, simply:
America's greatest bachelor didn't start out that way. Biologically engineered under the auspices of the KGB's Coriolis Project, I was designed to be a covert assassin responsible for the murder of key North Korean cabinet members. But sometimes, when biologically engineering an assassin, certain synthetic chromosomes are exposed for just a few seconds too long to the gluconium isotope. The result is not a killer....but a lover. I look back at the government's attempts to break my spirit and reclaim my artificial soul as some of the fondest days of my life, but they're gone now, and I walk this existence alone. And I'm not just satisfied with any life of romantic intrigue anymore. My interests range from long walks on the beach to dancing to techno music to the lost art of yogurt combing.
Now you may, via the Internet, have heard the rumor that I can do a pushup with just my nose. And I know you're probably thinking what so many doctors have gone on record as saying:
"NO HUMAN BEING CAN OR SHOULD EVER ATTEMPT TO DO A PUSHUP WITH JUST HIS NOSE"
Well, fine then. I have many other hobbies. Skipping is something I do to keep in touch with my inner child, and it's something I've become very serious about. Now I know you're thinking what so many doctors have gone on record as saying:
"IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR ANY ADULT MALE TO SKIP FOR ANY PROLONGED LENGTH OF TIME"
Well, fine, that may be a scientific fact. But when I was ridiculed for my skipping tendencies, I responded the only way I knew how: with a fighting spirit. Even now I can see the headlines from that time in my mind:
DEMOCRATS DENOUNCE SOREN FOR SKIPPING TENDENCIES
SKIPPING WON'T HELP SOREN'S SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION, EXPERTS SAY
SOREN TO CRITICS: I SKIP TO HONOR VETERANS
Once again I was challenged to put the past behind me, and I did it. My crowning triumph, the scaling of the face of Rhode Island's tallest chain movie theater, restored me to national glory and set in stone once and for all my legacy of merit and deserve-ifying of praise.
Of course, I don't relish having to be great every day of my life. Sometimes I need to just be a regular guy. Like most people, I like to pet dogs and hamsters and cats and gerbils and mice and geese and swans and birds and ducks and fish and parrots, or just lie in the park for several days straight. When it comes time to kick some ass, though, I'm always ready to go. Immortality? Yeah, I guess I'm ready for it. If you won't take my word for it, how about this for an endorsement:
JESUS CHRIST (SAVIOR, SUPERSTAR): I, Jesus Christ, fully endorse Soren to any prospective female wishing to find an excellent stay-at-home husband.
In sum, you'd be a worthless moronic blazing idiot to pass up these goods. Just going on one date with me is like careening out of control on the highway in a car that's much too small on pavement that's littered with scissors and firecrackers. There's no real word for this kind of experience, so I had to make one up:
In short, ladies, your wanting is what I want. Bring it on!