The Da Vinci Code: It's Real, It's Here, and We Must Run Away Quickly

Well, let me tell you about the Da Vinci Code flick. Two and a half hours to find out that the big secret is that Jesus may not have had a beard. That's the big secret. That's what sold forty million books. Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie, especially the part where the guy from Turner and Hooch got whaled on, and then the guy from Shakespeare whaled on somebody else. But I really don't see how Christ's facial hair affects the teachings of the Catholic Church. There's also some historical inaccuracies that apparently only I noticed. For one thing, the Titanic was not a dirigible, despite what some so-called 'experts' have claimed, and to have the main characters flying around on it from Stockholm to Paris to Tampa is just asking me to suspend too much disbelief. Also, George Gervin was the NBA's single-season scoring leader only four times, not six as the movie goes to great labors to claim. When the guy from Bachelor Party said that on screen, I almost left the theater. I wouldn't have cared much, except they made it a major plot point. Anyway, if you don't want me to ruin the ending for you, don't read the next sentence. Okay, the ending is, the cryptosymbolozoochiatrist's hot French girlfriend knocks the dynamite out of the mummy's hands just seconds before he can throw it into the men's room at the Vatican and kill the Pope, and then the guy from those few episodes of Family Ties where he played Alex's alcoholic uncle walks off with her, and she says to him, "Feel like going to church?" and he says, "Jesus Christ, no way am I goin' to any goddamn church!" and they both laugh and get on paddleboats and "Piano Man" plays and that's it. Nine dollars worth? Well, maybe.