Sinister Elements, Dastardly Deeds, and Hallmark

All I did was try to send my mother that cute e-card that shows a pickle in a swordfight with a jar of olives while Mount St. Helens erupts and "Aqualung" plays in the background, and I got this message kicked back to me instead:

Dear citizen:

We regret to inform you that as part of the Department of Homeland Security's program to combat terrorism, which, as you know, is the number one thing you should be worried about every second of the day, far more than the economy or the health care system or immigration or social security, we have temporarily confiscated the Mother's Day card you attempted to send to your mother/father/son/wife/caregiver. The card is being screened for text which might fit our profile of Al-Qaeda operatives. This confiscation was made necessary when suspicious chatter led our agents to believe there may be a plan in place to fill the St. Louis arch with creamed corn.

Your card will be released for your intended recipient's enjoyment no later than July 7, 2009. At that time, if they wish to see it, they need do nothing more than state their demand in writing through an attorney and send it to: Evidence, Box 88993, Pueblo, Colorado, 79180. An appointment will be set for them to observe the card through a thick pane of glass for no longer than five (5) minutes, after which it will be reduced to ashes through a chemical erosion process.

Thank you for continuing to be an American! For more information on how you can single-handedly give the Christian right a permanent foothold in our nation's higher courts, simply call the White House directly and ask to speak to our sales department.


The Fellas