I Blinded Me With Science
I have HAD IT with this stupid time machine I made. It took me six weeks to finish and I'm just about ready to throw in the towel and drag it out to the garbage. The only reason I designed it in the first place was just so I could go back to 1990 and stop Godfather 3 from being released, but now it looks like not even that's going to happen. Every time I get in and set the controls, I wind up about twelve weeks after the dawn of creation. So I climb out and there I am, God knows where, looking at about eight thousand miles of nothing. Not even mountains. Once I walked about five miles because I was so bored and I still didn't see any water. Then I thought: Oh great, now I'm looking at a five mile trip BACK without anything to drink. Plus my iPod was having some kind of weird volume problems so I couldn't even use it on the way. I was so mad that I thought I'd screw up the future by altering one little thing I saw, thus starting a chain reaction that would result in some hideous mutation of nature or history or something, but since I only had a few rocks to play with, I wound up just drawing a tic tac toe board in the dirt. I made the Os win and I left the board there, which was probably wiped out by the wind in about ten minutes, because apparently somebody decided it would always be godawful windy after the creation of the earth. I didn't take my ChapStick with me when I went and by the time I got back to the machine my lips were toast. The only other thing I could think of to do to mess history up was to etch the words COMING SOON TO THIS LOCATION: CHICK FIL-A into a big stone I saw. I figured that would pretty much blow the mind of Olduvai man, but I only got as far as COMI before I got fed up and came back to the present. The last straw for this heap of crap was when I went through all the trouble of switching out my clock radio for a better one because I figured the FM waves from HotMix 106.3 that I was using to feed energy into the crank hose were too weak, only to find out that all this did was to send me back to the exact same time except wearing a Green Bay Packers sweater for some reason. I stepped out, looked down, and this cheap sweater from Kohl's that I bought in 1985 and lost a year later was on my torso. What the hell? That was it. So I'm done. If anybody wants this thing, it's the thing with the black garbage bag over it next to the big blue trash can out front. You only get to truly master one thing in this life, so I guess for me it's always going to be splitting the human personality into pure good and pure evil with a noxious elixir I call Captain Go's Strawberry Yeah!.