Maybe I'll Get to Wear a Lanyard

Great news! I landed a job at FaceBurger!

This is going to be sooooo great. They're owned by Greenberg Absorption, which is owned by United Breathing Unlimited, which in turn is a holding company controlled by the shadowy Brotherhood of the Goat, a mysterious cadre of men working behind the scenes of Earth's population to promote political chaos and social confusion. So you know the infrastructure for success is totally there!

They told us at the job fair that the three corporate goals of FaceBurger are 1) to comply with the dictionary definition of the word 'food' each and every day, 2) to financially support the Sinister Lemon People's occupation of the neighboring Tantor galaxy, and 3) to protect the company's assets from employee theft through twenty-four hour x-ray videography of its workers. When I signed Document Saturn, I agreed to submit to a qualified team of private investigators who will occasionally demand an updated bowel history and a full inventory of my personal effects both at work and at home.

As reward for my hard work and refusal to cave in to the meddling demands of the FDA, the company is giving me the most awesome fringe benefits! There's a standard employee meal discount of up to five percent off any meat-similar item which takes effect immediately upon beginning my thirtieth year of full-time service. (The meal discount is not applicable on any nationally recognized weekday.) Another benefit, which they'll give me upon completion of my fortieth year of perfect attendance, is full use of the staff bathroom! Through the first few years, I have to provide my own sanitary facilities, and I can't use their coin-operated emergency exits without permission. Violation of this rule might result in termination of my employment and surgical removal of my weaker eye.

It gets better! Despite rumor-mongering media reports to the contrary, FaceBurger cares about the public health. Their managers honor all judicial orders to wash their hands, and they forbid the re-use of food products that come into contact with the kitchen floor and are spotted there by at least three customers. Plus, we're not expected to work more than a double shift if we contract any major Hanta virus or suffer instant brain liquification from Ebola G or V.

Service is their main concern at FaceBurger, and I can't wait to show them my stuff! They told us to always remember that the customer is both our friend and sometime silent partner in a Bangkok firm known to perplexed federal agents only as The Storefront. They expect that we behave as courteously toward the customer as we would toward our own parole officer or split personality. In fact, if we get into a tiff with a customer and our account of the problem doesn't jibe with FaceBurger's audio, video, and thermal monitoring, we're called before a secret tribunal of cryogenically preserved heads to beg for forgiveness and offer any deal, no matter how repulsive, to salvage what remains of our cankered soul. Tough, but fair!

Well, there are literally thousands of other handy rules and regulations I'll have to memorize before I start on Friday, but really, all I can think of right now is two awesome words: free soda! This is going to rock.