Oh, and Parking Near Golgotha is Totally Impossible
I love how sometimes I try to be really nice and yet I wind up being the "bad guy". I gave Jesus a call the other day, just to say I was really sorry about that whole crucifixion thing those people pulled on him. You know, just to check in and make it clear that I was really against that kind of thing, and to ask him if he needed anything, like if I was going someplace near him I could pick something up. But he sounded all cold and distant and unimpressed.
Now look, I tried to send a card when it happened. I can prove it, too. I went all the way down to Walgreen's and I looked around and around for a sympathy card, but they didn't have any good ones except for an Opus the Penguin one which was kind of ruined with the quote on the inside because it was about George Bush, so I bought a blank card with autumn leaves all over it and I wrote a really nice note inside about how I know it must have royally sucked to go through a crucifixion and all, and he was my pal and he should know I was still. But things happen in life, you get busy, and I trusted my dumb cubicle-mate Sally to walk it down to the mail room before it closed at 3:30 for the weekend, and she blew it, so I had to mail it myself, and on the drive home there just wasn't really a good place to do it, and the next morning wasn't any better, so Jesus didn't get a card. Big deal. I mean, the thought was there, and like I said, I can prove it because I kept the receipt which shows when I bought it. So I know three weeks is a long time to wait to call, but it's better than never, right? Anyway, I guess I sounded weird telling Jesus that I could prove I bought a card as soon as that whole thing went down and that I could prove it by showing him the receipt sometime, because he got all quiet and just said, "Hey, you know, whatever," and sort of rushed me off the phone with some excuse. So I asked him if now that he had ascended into heaven as the Savior, he'd have the same cell phone number, and he was like, "Um, no, it changed, I'll get it to you sometime." Get it to me sometime? He couldn't give it to me right then? So I know he's angry. Well, I forget things, I'm human, okay? I know it'll blow over and I shouldn't concern myself with it, but it's weird how you can just tell from someone's voice that maybe they're getting a big head. Obviously things are going to be different now that Jesus is pretty much the Big Man, but you know, when Mitch Gussey and his band recorded that single that played for a long time on some college radio stations, he still kept in touch with me and was pretty much the same cool dude. So hopefully Jesus is going to keep it real too. It just didn't sound like he was off to a good start with, you know, the whole attitude.