Next, I Attack the Metric System

I write this in a seething rage at our complacency as a nation.

Why is it that we've allowed the dude who designed the alphabet to get off so easy? This cruddy alphabet has the word SLACKER written all over it.

I was looking at the alphabet the other day in a motel room as I sat alone practicing my block capitals, and I had started to draw an F when I realized something. I realized I'd just made this stupid letter. IT WAS CALLED E.

Then about an hour later, I was drawing a J with my big oversized pencil, and I said to myself, "By Samson's molars, I recognize this little bastard from when it was called an I!!" And then in all the excitement, it seemed to my disbelieving eyes that the letter W was just a freaking V that someone forgot to yell "Cut" to! Who invented this half-assed assortment? And what about O? Are you seriously telling me that we paid some alphabet creator millions of dollars so he could pass off zero as a letter too? What kind of job pride is that?

I guess he still did a better job than the scam artist who invented Hebrew, or as I refer to it, aimless doodling.

I miss the old alphabet. You know the one I'm talking about, the one we had when we were kids. We had a real alphabet. No one really knows it anymore, which is why we have words like "dillweed" sneaking into our language. For those of you too young to remember our alphabet when it had a little dignity and class to it, here it was:

A
B
C
D1
D2
D3
E
F
F 2.0
G
H
upside down H
I
J
lemon symbol
K
L
M
wildcard
N
O
N again
P senior
P junior
the symbol for absolute value
Q
S
T
U
V
2/3
X
Y
dork