Remember "B.L. Stryker"? Yeah, That Was Mine Too.
They call me the Hitmaker. Hey---there can be no more accurate nickname. When it comes to getting my network to #1 in the ratings, I was practically born with a magic wand in my hand. So when the stuffed suits came to me last month desperately needing something to kick off their new Sunday night schedule, a show to leap straight into the viewers' hearts and minds after watching the Patriots shellack whoever they happen to face each week in the late afternoon game, I was ready for them.
Picture a private detective, a little rough around the edges, some stuff in his past, a hit with the ladies, and more than acquainted with the bottle.
This detective's a six day old kitten on wobbly legs whose eyes aren't quite open yet.
That's right, folks---Sneakers McDade is the gumshoe show America's been waiting for. And wait till you see the kitten we cast for the lead. Adorable? Oh, you bet. A tad shaky when he tries to stand on his adorable furry legs? Sure. And those baby blue eyes? Yeah, they're a good four or five days away from opening fully, more than enough time to shoot a solid ten-episode arc. And attitude---it's there, believe me. I was watching some dailies in my office today, and that kitten's interaction with Laura San Giacomo screams 'top notch talent'. And the scene where he's trying to interrogate Slighty the Punk but all he can get out are these tiny mewling whispers that can't even form into meows yet, and then he tries to walk away but just kind of gently bumps into Slighty's shoe and his teeny head vibrates a little at the sound of the GTO driving away? TV gold. Hello, Emmy? I won't be able to make it to the ceremony this year; how about just dumping five or six of yourself on my veranda and I'll scoop 'em up in the morning, 'kay?
So yeah, I expect this one to hit big in no time flat---hell, I don't like to pat myself on the back, but this one could be bigger than Chief Justice Duck, Puppy With a Scalpel, or even my piece de resistance, The Julie Kavner Show. At this rate, I'll just retire in two years. Um, tropical island paradise, is that you holding on line four? Yeah, I'll be with you in just a second, right after I BUY your ass.