Still, the Savings, the Savings!

Okay, here it is, right here….pretty much the last stop on the employee tour, I guess you’d call it. Probably not as impressive as you thought, right? Certainly not much to look at, but trust me, you want to keep the customers away from here if you ever want them to come back to Target. Basically the area of the aisle that’s haunted is this part right here, the shelves from the handtowels endcap down to where the lotion dispensers end. So it’s basically just the five feet, and the haunting is definitely localized to this part, but the last thing I want to do is give you the impression that this is anything but serious business. A customer coming down the aisle looking at the shower curtains and Epsom salts will be fine, but if they turn to their right and reach for, say, this soap dish---I’m not going to touch it, God no; just look where my finger is pointing---they could be in for a lifetime of nightmares, let me tell you. We thought about putting up a sign, but I figured it would just create a panic. Our strategy now is to just re-stock the shelves here with low-turnover merchandise so the profit bite won’t be too bad. Important tip: if you ever need a cleanup or a price check in this part of the aisle, always ask Conchita. For some reason she’s the only one here who just doesn’t care about the horrible specter that lies within the haunted shelves. She’ll reach right over and pick up that toothbrush holder or that decorative bathroom switchplate and when the ghost suddenly materializes and starts ranting and raving about killing us all, she’ll just shake her head and cuss under her breath in Spanish and keep on mopping. The customers, though---no matter how steely or unflappable they seem, do your damnedest to steer them clear, okay? Even people who have no particular knowledge of Walter Payton’s storied career in professional football claim they just can’t get the awful image of his vengeful ghost’s cruelly laughing face out of their minds. The last thing this store needs is a lawsuit, what with the Sears in Forestville Plaza getting re-modeled and a Kohl’s coming in not four miles away.

So that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Any questions about the break room? I saw you admiring the vending machine. If you think you only imagined the Oreo Cakesters that are in there, well, believe your eyes, pal. Just one of the little perks you can expect with perfect attendance and a refusal to entertain any ridiculous union talk. Those Cakesters, man, I swear, they’re like the Godfather II of snack foods. No, wait----I guess Double Stufs were Godfather II. The Cakesters would be Godfather III without the retarded parts where the women were on the screen.