The Damning of Sissy Spacek

Damn you, Sissy Spacek! Damn you for destroying the only celebrity encounter I've ever had and probably ever will have! How could you? Don't you know how long I've waited for a moment like this? And now it's gone. Gone!

There you were, on the boardwalk at Cape May. A genuine star! An acclaimed film actress! Nominations! Maybe even an actual Oscar, I forget if you won one or not for that coal movie!

And yet I was stymied. Stymied! I didn't even approach because, let's face it, you're Sissy Spacek. Standing there buying Dippin' Dots for a teenager, probably your kid. Wearing a baggy sun dress. Being all "family oriented" and whatnot. Oh, no, you've never felt the need to gossip, drop names, point fingers, bash your co-stars, cause contractual headaches. God forbid you should ever have had a torrid affair with somebody or at least bought a house the size of Sarajevo somewhere in Hollywood. No no, you've had to be a "real person" all these years, shunning the spotlight. Well, what good does that do someone who's been waiting to run into a real celebrity all these years? Where's the suspense of what I'm gonna get with Sissy Freaking Spacek? I'm sure you'd be all like, "Oh, um, hello, yes, I'll sign your boat of curly fries if you really need me to," and then you'd smile shyly, like you're truly embarrassed to be a star, and turn your non-makeupped, non-divorced face away and go on about your stupefyingly boring business. No threat of a punch in the face from you, oh no. That wouldn't be the thing to do "in front of the children." You're so boring and so human it makes me sick! Tell you what, why don't you and Shelley Duvall get together and swap Ragu coupons at the community pool and enjoy the simple life all you want, just stay off the streets! You're ruining everything for everybody! Everybody gets one celebrity encounter in their life, and you flushed mine without a care in the world!

Where are my car keys, I heard somebody who looks a little like Corey Feldman just rented a house somewhere nearby.