Why I Was Benched: A Thought Transcript, 8/12/07

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE WILL CHEER ME WHEN I SCORE ON THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

THERE’S A FAT WOMAN IN THE THIRD ROW BEHIND THE GOAL WEARING ONE OF THOSE DRESSES THAT’S JUST ONE BIG PIECE OF MATERIAL WITH ARM HOLES CUT OUT OF IT

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

UGLY MRS. FLICKAM WORE THOSE EVERY DAY BACK IN FIRST GRADE, EVERY SINGLE DAY

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

SHE WOULD JUST GO BETWEEN A BRIGHT GREEN ONE AND A WHITE ONE WITH RED FLOWERS ON IT, EVEN IN FIRST GRADE I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING MESSED UP ABOUT THAT

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE IN THIS STADIUM ARE WATCHING ME, FOCUS, FOCUS, IT’S ALMOST TIME

DON’T SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

YES, I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

BUT HOW DO I KNOW SHE ONLY HAD THOSE TWO SACK DRESSES? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST MY MEMORY FROM FIRST GRADE?

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

OKAY, OKAY, THREE MORE SECONDS AND YOU HAVE TO KICK THE BALL

I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

ISN’T IT POSSIBLE THAT SIMPLY BECAUSE MRS. FLICKAM WAS UGLY AND FAT LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE THIRD ROW, MY SUBCONSCIOUS HAS PLACED A BLOCK ON MY MEMORY---A KIND OF FIREWALL, IF YOU WILL---THAT WILL NOT ALLOW ANY OTHER POSSIBLE IMAGES OF THE WOMAN INTO MY PRESENT-DAY THOUGHT STREAM?

READY, READY, HERE I GO, I’M GONNA KICK THE BALL NOW

THERE’S GOT TO BE SOME WAY TO FIND OUT IF MRS. FLICKAM HAD OTHER SACK DRESSES THAN THE BRIGHT GREEN ONE AND THE WHITE ONE WITH RED FLOWERS ON IT. MAYBE I COULD SOMEHOW TRACK DOWN MEMBERS OF HER FAMILY AND THEN, I DON’T KNOW, PRETEND TO BE A BUG SPRAYER AND TELL THEM I NEED TO GET INTO THEIR HOUSES TO SPRAY FOR BUGS AND I COULD JUST HAPPEN TO STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION AND SOMEHOW I COULD GET THEM TO SHOW ME OLD PICTURES OF MRS. FLICKAM IN THOSE HIDEOUS SACK DRESSES

OKAY, HERE I GO, I AM KICKING THE BALL RIGHT NOW EVEN AS I CANNOT GET THE INEXPLICABLE VISUAL IMAGE OF AN OILY WOODY ALLEN REMOVING HIS GLASSES AND COMING UP BEHIND MRS. FLICKAM IN AN EMPTY BOTTLING PLANT AND INITIATING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, MY FOOT IS DRAWN BACK AND IS NOW MOVING FORWARD WITH PERFECT ACCURACY AND I WILL NOT SCREW UP THIS PENALTY KICK

OKAY I WILL NOW GET UP QUICKLY BEFORE ANYONE IN THE STADIUM OR ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IS ABLE TO EVEN INTERNALIZE THAT I’VE TRIPPED OVER THE BALL AND SWALLOWED A BRICK-SIZED CLUMP OF DIRT, AND I MOST DEFINITELY WILL SOMEHOW EXPEL THIS SHOCKINGLY ENORMOUS MOUTHFUL OF TURF BEFORE IT TOO PUSHES ITS WAY INTO MY ESOPHAGUS

YOU KNOW WHICH LATER WOODY ALLEN MOVIE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HAD SOME GOOD LAUGHS? MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY.

I WILL NOT RESIST THE EFFORTS OF THE PARAMEDICS

I WILL NOT RESIST THE EFFORTS OF THE PARAMEDICS