The Blog = Consumer Awareness

I hate to use this blog to embarrass anyone or anything, but one thing I can’t tolerate is low quality in a consumer product, and SparkleBuddy brand aluminum foil is just such an item. I bought a roll of this stuff with good faith and even a little excitement at the prospect of sampling something I hadn’t tried before. But I can say with some confidence that when it comes to screening out the terrifying mental assaults beamed at us from the hooded elders of Altair-4, this stuff is only about half as effective as Sunbeam foil or even the highly overrated Reynolds Wrap. After leaving my protective bubble and stepping outside on the back deck for just ten minutes while wearing a hat fashioned from SparkleBuddy foil, the intensity and anger of the Altair-4 projections increased tangibly. This is bad enough, but the foil itself is too lightweight and creases awkwardly when you put it on your head, and as for creating a little upright antenna atop your hat to catch the calming signals from the freedom fighters of Colonius Pi, you can forget it. The antenna will merely be wilty and sad. I crawled back into the house weeping and all but convinced that the Altarians had seized control of my brain forever. Only back-to-back episodes of Mad About You, Season Three, soothed my jangled nerves. It remains a mystery why major players in the aluminum foil game refuse to tap the vast market of people like me whose minds are under constant bombardment from alien mind rays and who need a durable but cost-effective hat to get through the daylight hours. Oh, I know, I know, you supposedly can’t go wrong with wearing a steel colander on your head, but I’m sorry, that just looks silly, and to me qualifies as overkill. There has to be a middle ground that we can all meet on.

Hey, if you see Sally, can you remind her I’m just completely insane and not really dangerous or anything? I invited her over for macaroni and cheese last week and haven’t heard back.