Notes From the Ungrateful

Well, I had thought my life was pointless, a never-ending struggle just to get through the next nightmarish day, but WOW, that has ALL changed starting today. I see on Google that I have been listed as the FASTEST bird on earth! Me, the ostrich! There’s simply no faster bird anywhere! My speed is TOP-RATED!

So I guess I can stop being bitter now, because I have this incredible ability that I understand COMPLETELY makes up for my extreme ugliness, my gangly, goofy body, and my utter inability to be accepted by humankind as anything more than a joke. In fact, with this new revelation that there’s nothing faster than an ostrich, I should probably just leave my front door open from now on, since supermodel after supermodel will undoubtedly want to stop by and have sex with me. And where will I find time for all the thousands of close friends I’ll surely be getting because of this wonderful new factoid? I’m sure they’re going to overlook this freaky-ass face and this geeky neck and this big football of a body and the spindly legs and the lack of even any kind of chirping ability, and throw themselves all over me in an attempt to become my closest buddy.

Hey, who needs all that anyway when you can run from place to place really fast? Isn’t that what life is all about? Why, I can get across this empty field in front of me in less than ten seconds! Looks like I can be desperately lonely ANYWHERE at a MOMENT’S NOTICE! FANTASTIC! Someone get me Jessica Simpson’s phone number; obviously she’ll be wanting to get together as soon as possible! We can spend our nights talking about my awesome foot speed! As long as she’s blindfolded so she can’t see how hideous I am, and somehow is able to understand the nonsensical gruntings that I’ve been stuck with as a so-called “language,” and doesn’t mind being seen with a worldwide sight gag, we’ll be happy together forever! In fact, maybe that sick frog in that pond over there and I can double-date, since Google has also told me that NOTHING in creation can enlarge its throat sac like a frog! Hoooooo boy, the two of us are gonna party with the ladies tonight!

Eh, I’m gonna go play with my Netflix queue. I’ll be around.