The Numbers Don't Lie

THE PARTS OF MY BODY AND THEIR APRIL POINT TOTALS IN MY PERSONAL ANATOMY FANTASY LEAGUE

1) EYES - 11 points - My eyes generally delivered the goods in April, picking out the words on distant road signs with their usual aplomb, but occasional morning blurriness makes them anything but a must-have
2) EARS - 6 points - Low talkers in Tuesday night book club continue to challenge my ears, while their jug-like appearance from rear forty-five degree angles remains a focal point for wavering self-esteem
3) ELBOWS - 2 points - Taking a hard hit on the cement after falling from my little brother's skateboard in an alcohol-related incident may cost my left one big points in future months; leave both of them out of the equation to be safe when betting on my body parts
4) LEGS - 14 points - Never in better shape, thanks to enforced climbing of Metro station staircases; the legs have yet to disappoint and you can pencil them in for May with confidence
5) FEET - 3 points - Stubborn refusal to clip toenails until sharp pains are felt upon the slightest contact with socks or flooring makes the feet a dubious proposition for the anatomical lineup
6) HANDS - 8 points - Several key drops in April (clock radio, bowl of spaghetti, half a watermelon) are leading even the most charitable of body part analysts to question my hands' age and ability
7) SECONDARY PARTS - Keep a cynical eye on my hair (3 points), which has yet to overcome its unwise April 14 encounter with the shampoo I got from the Spanish dollar store, but make way for my nose (10 points), whose breakage due to an alcohol-related incident seemed to spell months on the disabled list, but which instead has come back faster than anyone expected and whose new indentation adds a manliness factor which could rejuvenate my entire face, and as always, it's anyone's guess about ol' Mr. Dangly (4 points), pondering retirement and essentially mothballed since October, but anxious to prove itself once again if Marla from Accounts Payable stops acting like she's all that and realizes I'd be doing her a favor.