Conference Room 3B Is Occupied

Gentlemen, first let me say welcome to you all, and thank you for coming from all over the fifty states to participate in our annual roundtable discussion. Let me jump right into the heart of matter, if I may: in the year 2007, our organization spent four hundred and twelve thousand dollars on designing and enacting plans to assassinate Eli Wallach. Nevertheless, Mr. Wallach continues to live and even thrive, appearing in such recent films as Mystic River and The Holiday. From June to December alone, we carried out three separate assassination plans, all failures, causing upwards of one million dollars in property damage and two minor injuries to neighborhood cats. This organization's membership has grown from seven to nineteen individuals, all focused on the sole task of eliminating Eli Wallach from the human population, and as this PowerPoint slide displays so damningly, our pursuit of our goal is simply not financially scalable. So what I propose, gentlemen, is simply this: given the fact that Mr. Wallach is, like, ninety, why don't we adopt for the first quarter of this year a different, less aggressive approach, and just sort of let things run their course, if you know what I mean. What I'm saying is, and I don't mean to be indelicate, is that, you know, he's kind of old. So basically, if we just stand down and re-distribute our resources a little and keep an eye on the situation, time might just...ah, how do I put this....time might take care of what we have not. Am I being terrible with this suggestion? I'm sorry if it sounds crass. Really what it comes down to is, either we can downsize and create a lot of ill will, or we can....um....well, step back and see if the natural physical processes which dictate a man's lifespan bring about the results we desire sooner rather than later.

Oh God, I can see you all totally hate me. I'm sorry, I know I'm overly blunt sometimes. I know I lack tact. I'll sit down now. Forget I ever said anything. Let me just squeeze one last thing in here: if we shaved just thirty dollars from the budget, we could afford the new edition of Scene It for use during break time at these all-day meetings. It's really cool, it comes with a DVD that you play along with, and the more you know about movies, the more---okay, yes, let's move on and let someone else speak. You're right, you're right, maybe we just need to borrow some more money, get a few more investors in here and pitch an all-out assault on Mr. Wallach for 2008. I was just thinking out loud, like I always do. Bagels and muffins are in the back of the room, by the way, so don't be shy, don't be shy. That means you too, Mr. Asner---just eat all you take, if you don't mind.