Beware of All Job Fairs
Well, I’m just in way over my head, and that’s all there is to it. I’m sorry I ever accepted the job in the first place. So now I’ve learned never, ever to lie on your resume. What can I say, the benefits this outfit was offering were just too good to pass up. Plus the opportunity to tell people you’re a divine oracle….how much hottie action would that have gotten me if I were able to stay? But there’s just no way, not with the sorry training I got. So now I stand there every time someone comes up to me with some profound philosophical question or a need to look into the future and get a good, hard answer about it, and I’m always stalling for time and asking the divine oracle next to me how to respond. This dude yesterday asked me which of his children was going to usurp his throne and I was like, “Um, give me some names,” and I just picked the middle child and said, “Yeah, he’s totally the one! So keep an eye out.” And then the explorer on Wednesday who begged me to tell him which way to send his fleet of ships so his legions of men would survive the ocean’s terrors---how am I supposed to answer that on my fifth day on the job when I missed orientation and my supervisor is on maternity leave? I can’t even get into Outlook because my password never works. You know how embarrassing it is when Prince Caspian asks you to call over a manager because he totally knows you just made up a bunch of crap in response to a seemingly simple question about whether the Prophecy of Ulthar was going to come true or not? I must be the first divine oracle in history to be called a “retard” to my face. Absolutely the only part of this stupid job I’ve got nailed down is the shimmer. From day one, I could shimmer impressively and give off a perfectly green ethereal glow and levitate over the Pool of Tears like nobody’s business. Yet I still have no idea who to even talk to about getting direct deposit, or what to tell people when they say that the answers I’m giving them conflict with what the Three Sisters of Sagittarius spoketh on Mount Teslus. Who? Where? What page of my intro packet were they mentioned on again? Oh, they NEVER WERE? I am so done. The second I get my first paycheck, I’m walking out and going right over to that arcade in the mall and applying for a job there. “Excuse me, I’ve got a question---can I get four quarters for this dollar bill?” YES. YES, YOU MAY.