All I Need is a Chance

Dear Mr. Mothclark,

I am interested in applying for the position of ditch pre-digger as advertised on Craigslist. It had long been my ambition to be an actual ditch-digger, and I value this opportunity to enter the field via a job stamping on the topmost layer of dirt for a few hours to loosen it up before the professionals arrive to excavate it and create the hole itself. I do have some stamping experience, having loosened topmost soil layers one summer on my uncle’s farm (though admittedly this was more of a boyish hobby than a vocation), and I believe I have acquired the confidence and determination to get even the most stubborn surfaces somewhat ready for a dig. I do possess my own boots and have recently joined a gym to strengthen my leg muscles and thus stamp more efficiently. I look forward to joining a focused, driven team of pre-diggers, or working alone if that’s what the job most likely entails.

I am available for any shifts, weekdays or weekends, and because I take in so little food and water compared to the vast majority of people, the pay rate of “nothing”, as it is phrased in your ad, should suffice as long as there is room to grow. Please note that I am also open to post-digging duties and am certain that with time and guidance, I can master the art of running the edge of the shovel under a hose to clean it off before the next ditch is dug.

In my spare time, I enjoy writing books about American history which espouse my theories about the genetic inferiority of northerners. My resume is attached; I look forward to hearing from you!

Hillcote Upworthy, D.D.S.