Mutually Assured HandiWipes

Sir, I’m not quite sure how to explain this to you….maybe it’s just better to look at the satellite photographs for yourself. Do you see right here below the treeline….it’s tough to make out, but we have confirmation from the ground that what we’re looking at is a roast beef sandwich twenty feet high and thirty-two feet wide. Which can only mean one thing: Arby’s penetrated our cover sometime last year, got a look at the giant fish stick, and fired this damn project up in one hell of a hurry. What we have to determine somehow, maybe with lower fly-overs of the area, is if the roast beef sandwich is just a deterrent like our giant fish stick, or if they intend to put it into operation somehow.

I want to take this opportunity to apologize for ever even drawing up the plans for the giant fish stick in the first place, and most of all for suggesting, insanely, that we just drop it on the lawn outside of our corporate headquarters as a “warning” to other fast food companies. Again, I’m not sure how this “warning” was supposed to develop into an actual action plan of some sort; I just thought it was time that Long John Silver’s put the industry on alert that we were, you know, not to be trifled with. And I believe I have re-iterated many times that I wasn’t certain how the giant fish stick would keep in this climate, or what possible negative effects it might have on customer perceptions. I was in way over my head; I see that now.

But back to the matter at hand. What does this mammoth roast beef sandwich mean? Just looking at it gives me chills. Considering that it cost us $40 million to make the fish stick, we’ve got to assume Arby’s spent twice as much on this thing. They spend that much constructing a towering sandwich at the same time they’re laying off five percent of the workforce….I don’t know, it just seems a little frightening. Sometimes I think what is written in prophecy might be coming true somehow.

What? Oh….well….that’s a little off-topic, but I like Paula just fine, just fine. Good worker, very pleasant. As a woman? Um….I really think we should be focusing on other things right now, especially what is written in prophecy, but yes, I guess she is quite attractive.

Really? She said that about me? She’s really okay with all the Grease collectibles? She understands that I can love them and only them until the mountains crumble into the sea? Wow. That chick’s got problems.