Danger Code: Orange

What I’m proposing, Gerald, and I sense you’re ready to completely get on board with me here, is a simple system wherein we can both admit to our belief in the existence of sea monsters in our kitchen sink while sparing us the embarrassment of having to say it out loud. I’ve been working on this for quite some time---since I noticed the very first bit of greenish goo around the drain (definitely NOT liquid dish detergent, as you claim) and heard the odd slithering sounds in the middle of the night (the ones you hilariously insist are coming from residual water wash inside the pipes). Okay, follow me here and we can both unburden ourselves with an absolute minimum of shame. These are the steps I propose:

1) Below the monthly inventory we make on the dry erase board of stuff we need for the bathroom, I will today place a single blue check mark, which may or may not denote my belief in the presence of sea monsters in our kitchen sink---for all anyone knows, it’s just a single blue check mark to acknowledge that I have read the monthly inventory and approve of its contents and suggestions.

2) If I walk past the dry erase board on the morning of 5/20 and see a twin blue check mark beside the one I made, I will take it to mean that you have either joined me in your belief in the sea monsters or are merely confirming the accuracy of the bathroom supplies list---again, neither one of us has come forward directly about the sea monsters, protecting us from public and private ridicule, especially from Jeffrey and Sethmadesh, who I know will never join us in our concern over this matter, because they’re living in a dream world.

3) I shall circle those check marks in yellow. If that yellow circle has not been erased by the evening of 5/25, I will know that you indeed truly share my belief that we are facing an imminent sea monster crisis here in our very own home, and we will take steps accordingly to deal with this issue head-on instead of cowering from it.

If you have any procedural questions or need more information about this threat, which I am aware you are still somewhat hesitant to embrace, feel free to contact me either in my room or via email. We have a sea monster problem in our sink, Gerald; let’s deal with it before we wake up one morning inside the belly of a serpent the size of Yankee Stadium.

Thank you. As a side note, I will be tardy with the rent once again this month; not my fault, as my daily medications now include a very expensive tonic called Root of Primal Presence, which also accounts for the stench of radishes currently pervading the rec room. Be not alarmed!