Perhaps We Just Need More Time Together

Please, Doctor Frankenstein, please, I understand that this is important to you----and I want to try to help you. I have grasped the fact that there is a choice to be made, and made by 5 p.m., but please, you certainly must know that I am not in full possession of my faculties, having just been created by your hand. It’s only been seven hours since I awoke on the operating table and experienced life for the first time. As if the awe of the deluge of sights, sounds, sensations, and words hasn’t been overwhelming enough, I am also in a great amount of physical pain and am having some difficulty making the mental connections which I am positive my new mind will take for granted soon enough. Now then, once again, for the benefit of my newly minted intellect: Comcast only offers the Fox Soccer Channel or Setanta Sports as part of the sign-up special which ends today, is that correct? And as a member of the household, I will be expected to pay for half the cable bill, and so I must approve or reject the package? All right, then, doctor, yes, I will attempt to make this decision, although the spikes of agony coursing through my forehead and my spine, accompanied by some substantial internal bleeding inside my left leg from the many bolts of lightning which were so recently sent through the body you sewed together piecemeal, are clouding the reason which you must surely recognize is still in its infancy. Please tell me, if you will, which channel offers the better coverage of Italy’s Serie A league and the German Bundesliga? For if it’s about even----oh, please, doctor, I beg you, let me at least lie on my back, for it is perhaps slightly less painful to do so---then my vote is for Setanta. But, as I have stated earlier, I truly wish that your months of preparation for this immense moment of spontaneous biological creation had allowed for a couple of days of rest for me before being required to strain myself with such intellectual tasks; the very syllables you speak are causing my eardrums to throb excruciatingly, and to even focus my damaged eyes on the brochure before me makes them redden and itch like the bite of a thousand spiders, if I can even keep the left one from falling out. No, no, there’s no need to apologize; I know that the timing cannot be avoided lest the 20% off coupon mailed to the castle expire. Just, you know, for next time, go easy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa---I don’t see the Golf Channel checked off anywhere on this package. Go ahead and tell me that’s just an embarrassing oversight and we can get on with our lives. Because if we’re not getting the Golf Channel, I assure you that I will unscrew my own head and throw my brain at you. I may be new to this world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know it totally belongs to Tiger and the rest of us are just in the way.