Give Us a Name!

Mr. Goldblum, I am going to have one of our aides turn off your microphone for just a moment because there’s something I want to say to you before you go any further. I have let you speak for five uninterrupted minutes and I have allowed you to insult both myself and many of my Senate colleagues who are so graciously dedicating their valuable time and resources to helping this commission achieve its ultimate goal. And I tell you now that I cannot sit here and let you continue to defame our purpose and our very reputations. You might not understand the gravity of what we’re trying to do in this public hearing, but I assure you, sir, that the American people very much do. The Celebs Without Makeup Commission will go on with or without your presence, so I want you to decide here and now whether you want to continue your protests about our so-called irrelevance or help us in our mission. Despite your beliefs, the public has a God-given right to identify which A-list stars still look hot without the aid of appearance-altering cosmetics and which simply do not cut the mustard without their daily morning touchup. I took an oath at the beginning of these hearings to uphold the truth and the integrity of each day’s proceedings, and I am standing by that oath. Do you, sir, likewise have the integrity to come forward and identify the celebs which you know for a fact need the extra layer of gloss that only a Hollywood pro can apply in order to look their sexiest for cameras both cinematic and paparazzi-owned? Or will you and your like dare to obstruct us in our work, as you did when we called you to appear before the Feinstein Commission on Tinseltown’s Hottest Beach Bodies? I for one would like to hear you say openly that you truly do not care what our findings are, so that once and for all America will know just who NOT to turn to for insider information about these delicate and sensitive topics. You have wasted enough of our time, sir. You may be an accomplished actor, but today you are fooling no one about your very dubious loyalties.

Now then, let us go back to the facts I was trying to establish before your needless interruption. Going back to January nineteenth….you said you were “unable to exactly recall” at which angle you were standing to Ms. Locklear at the backstage party for the People’s Choice Award winners. Can you please, using the pointer before you, clarify your entrance point into the room, and tell us precisely when you first heard Mr. Romano make the comment that Ms. Locklear seemed “tired” and looked like “she’d had some work done recently”?