Earth Day? Nah, Just Not My Thing.
Hi everybody! This week the blog is giving in to the do-gooder vibe that’s currently sweeping the country by announcing a pledge drive to raise awareness of the slowly approaching maniac who even now has gotten halfway down my bedroom hallway and intends to kick my door in and strangle me with a length of copper wire! Yes, the maniac---well, not so much a maniac as just some really angry dude whose wife I slept with---is intent on seeing me dead, and only by really looking long and hard at the issue of my imminent murder and reaching into your heart for empathy and your pockets for a donation do I have any hope of overcoming this tragic situation. From now through the next minute and a half, by which time I expect to hear the crash of a heavy boot which will announce the last seconds of my life on this earth, I urge you to visit my web site and donate freely to the cause of me leaping out the window and fleeing into the night. Donations of food, water, and bus tickets are also acceptable, but what I’m really looking to do tonight is educate. Ever since I myself became aware of Reggie Kranepool’s desire to kill me (announced loudly as he broke into my living room five minutes ago), I have burned with the desire to amass an army of people who feel as deeply about the cause of my safe escape from my bedroom as I do. Are you a person who wants to look outside himself and take on this challenge, even for as little as $5? Visit the site, read about my plight, sign the guest book, patronize my loyal sponsor Nabisco, and consider yourself an informed citizen. Can you do that for a brother?