Please Pick Up an Orientation Folder at the Front Desk

Right this way please, watch your step, the floor is a little sticky….there you go, sit anywhere in this row you like. How’s everything been so far? Not too horrible, right? Yeah, Hell is really not the worst place you can wind up, all things considered. Of course you’re always going to have your fainters---I think I just stepped over one---and the chronic bellyachers, but for the most part people just roll with the whole agonized acceptance thing and don’t make too much fuss.

Okay, I’m just going to staple your hands to the armrests real quick, the pain shouldn’t be too bad…there you go, and you can even still get at your straw to sip your Diet Pepsi during the show. The screening will last anywhere between six and eight months, depending on how often you fueled up your car in life. Essentially what you’re going to watch is single-camera unedited videotape of every instance since birth when you stopped for gas somewhere, or if not yourself, your family or friends while you waited in the car. Does that sound unpleasant? Yeah, it can get a little boring, I’m not going to lie to you. You don’t learn much watching yourself fill up your tank while grabbing a Caramello from the snack rack four thousand times. It’s not like there’s a musical soundtrack or anything either, it’s really just back-to-back-to-back episodes, kind of like the worst reality show you could ever dream up. But hey, this is Hell, we’re not exactly getting paid to show you The Incredibles in Ultra THX, am I right?

All right, I’m going to leave you now, you look nice and settled. Just go ahead and go to the bathroom right where you’re sitting, feel free to doze in and out, and your soda will be refilled whenever you’re within an hour or so of dying from thirst. I forget when feeding time is exactly, maybe every four days or so, so just wait for the occasional piece of hashloaf to drop from the ceiling.

Oh, I almost forgot, there’s about a month of trailers first, all for movies you had absolutely no interest in when you were alive, and the volume is going to be pretty cranked. Plus some commercials too, slipped in there in a blatantly irritating way. I’ll get out of your hair now, and when it’s all over sometime in November, I’ll come back, pry you out of your chair, and phase two of the Tortures of Hell can begin. You’ve worked retail before, right? Ever worked in a second tier museum selling tickets to a cheesy motion simulator ride involving the War of 1812? No? Well, get ready for the adventure!

Oh, and may I say, I always thought you were absolutely wonderful on that show, Mr. Newhart.