Benefits Included

Though I don’t have a clock in here---ha, can you imagine them giving me a clock?---I can sense when the Magic Time is imminent. Sometimes when I think it’s about to come I start counting down the minutes and seconds in my head. That’s how much I love Magic Time!

Not that there aren’t an awful lot of good things about being in here. There’s time to think, re-evaluate. (For instance, I came up with a great idea for a romantic comedy that would be perfect for Daniel Craig!) There’s the peace and quiet, of course, and I’ll tell you this too, although it sounds kind of crazy: the total lack of a window or light bulb of any kind can get you re-acquainted with the miracle of your own human form. Sometimes in the pitch dark I just feel my hands or my head or my elbows and think “Wow, how perfectly made…someone up there sure knew what He was doing!”

The food? I actually don’t mind it at all. Sometimes you get some corn that’s almost perfectly boiled, not too overcooked or with ice in the middle, and two slices of store-brand white bread are dropped off every day a few hours before Magic Time---and I am not joshing when I tell you that once there was peanut butter on it!

But of course my time here revolves around the main event. If I had my druthers, I suppose I might go back in time to the moment when I severely injured those two guards by literally lifting the cafeteria table off the floor and hurling it at them while shouting "I'll suck your blood through a straw I stick in your grave!", but if it gets me those wondrous nine seconds every day (whether it’s morning or night, of course, I couldn’t tell you), I’ll take that deal for ninety days, no sweat.

Going back to the Daniel Craig movie, though, get this: he’d play a guy with a mascot job at a theme park, and he falls in love with a girl who’s a different one! How’s that for nutty??

Oh my God…is that the click of the latch I just heard? Oh yeah, OH YEAH, here we go….hello, Guard Simmons, how are you toda---

AAAAHHHH WHEEEEEEEE-HAAA!!! Yeah, nail me with that ice cold hose water! Flatten me against the wall with its awesome force! That’s right, get the feet! Get the feet! BINGOOOOOOOO!!!! WHAAA HOOOOOO!!!

Oh….oh man….that was a short one, but quality over quantity, I always say. Now I got it all----I’m lying in the dark in cold, soaking wet clothes, I have the rest of the day free, and I can fill in the rest of the cast list at my leisure. What’s JoBeth Williams doing these days? Any idea?