And the Aide Whispered, "Stop Talking, Please Stop Talking"

My fellow Americans, I, like any other person, have failings, and I stand before you today having confronted them and hopefully bested them. It is true that in the past, I performed at a level that I knew was not up to my capabilities. I am ashamed to say that I often put movies in the mail without first making sure I had selected others I wished to see, resulting in either long downtimes between the arrival of new discs, or receiving titles I had long since lost interest in. I was also at times careless with my spelling and memory of which sequels went with which originals, and so I often found myself shaking my head at what came to me. And yes, more than once during the year 2008, I sent back a movie in the wrong envelope, or no envelope at all. In short, as was accurately reported by the San Francisco Chronicle, my queue was a study in inefficiency and miscalculation. But an examination of my opponent’s record uncovers some equally startling truths. In 2009 the average time he spent watching any one particular Watch Instantly selection was sixteen minutes, a startlingly low figure suggesting indecisiveness and poor decision-making. A disturbing total of seven months of that same year were spent clumsily working his way through the Leprechaun movies---he even got part three twice, apparently having forgotten he’d already watched it. Even worse, he contacted customer service no less than four times because he could not remember his login or password. Now I have always stressed that my campaign is about issues, about the economy, about national defense, and the future of our children. But if we are to enter into a war of words about our Netflix management skills, I am not a candidate who will back down. The record clearly shows that since my initial mistakes I have become a fully functional Netflix user while Seymour Hersh’s investigative reporting in Esquire has shown that my opponent still remains unsure of the difference between ‘Save’ and ‘Add to queue.’

You know, I didn’t want to have to mention this, particularly since this occasion is supposed to be about nothing but crowning a new Miss Teen El Paso, but guess what else my opponent does a lot of? He kills people. That’s right---he just goes out and literally takes human life. See, this is why he’s on what is commonly referred to as “death row” and four days away from being executed by firing squad. So, here’s a news flash---voting for him in seven days is going to be kind of a waste of everyone’s time. Now Bob Gershner---he’s a candidate. I’ll give him that. A man of respect, of vision, of principles, and a man whose appeal to the state Supreme Court should get him off death row in a matter of months. Okay, I will now field questions about the unfortunate ceremonial opening pitch I threw at the Rangers game last week. But before I get totally raked over the coals here, ask yourself this: what the hell were the last three remaining World War I veterans doing at a Rangers game to begin with, and why didn’t they have any dental insurance?