Eight Essential Vitamins and Minerals....But Not For Me

Today, I sat down and tallied up the raw mathematical figures which tell the chilling story of my thirty year battle to achieve the proper milk-to-cereal ratio at breakfast. This small but vital skill has eluded me like some sinister villain darting through the shadows as I pursue him, begging and pleading to please, please show me how to put just enough milk in my cereal in the morning so that there's almost no milk left when I swallow down my last biteful of Alpha Bits. And here is the damage this folly has caused me:

$13,300 for the hiring of supposed "experts" in the field of milk-to-cereal ratios for a bunch of bloated, ineffective advice, and another $3100 to some jerk calling himself The Kix Whisperer, who was not only unhelpful but said disrespectful things about the defensive secondary of my beloved St. Louis Rams,

$4000 on test cereals and $2800 on test milk for my own private work with the ratios, work which has gotten me exactly NOWHERE, except I think I may have come up with a new cereal I call Oats Versus Chocolate,

$480, not counting the lab fee and parking sticker fee, for a class in introductory physics at the community college so I could understand just why the hell I always wound up with either way too much milk left in the bowl or not enough to cover my last couple of sad, hideously dry bites, dry as the desert in summertime, just dry, dry, dry, and no damn good to anyone

$2400 in reduced enjoyment of the milk and cereal I have eaten every day for the past thirty years. Because of my continuous ratio imbalances, I figure I have enjoyed each bowl of cereal exactly 25 percent less than I could have if I had just gotten the freaking mix correctly. Assuming each bowl of cereal cost me ninety cents, I have lost twenty-two cents per day in enjoyment for three decades. Add it up. Feel my pain.

I have now officially stopped caring. I'm switching to yogurt and a raisin bagel in the morning.

Except, you know what, I can never quite swirl the flavoring at the bottom of the cup around in just such a way so that it's spread out all through the yogurt but there's still a dominant, unsullied swirl up top so that I can begin my yogurt experience with a nice little bolt of delightful fruit flavor.

Did you think that Bram Stoker would have been down with the whole Count Chocula concept?


How about Grape Nuts?