I Still Haven't Even Really Mastered The Eleven Point Turn
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC PARKING LOT I JUST SAW AS I WALKED TO MY THURSDAY NIGHT GRAMMAR GROUP AT BARNES AND NOBLE AND THE MISERABLE PARKING LOT I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO PARALLEL PARK IN:
1) The TERRIFIC parking lot I just saw is ENORMOUS, you could learn to parallel park all over the place if you wanted. The LOUSY one I had to learn in was tiny and bumpy, and so crowded that you felt guilty for blocking a few spaces for even fifteen minutes.
2) The GREAT parking lot I saw has a pizza place and a Starbucks if you want to take a break from learning how to parallel park. The CRAPPY one I had to learn in only had one of those creepy Hostess thrift stores where you could get Wonder Bread or something for half price.
3) The AMAZING parking lot doesn't have the Wolfman in it. The SORRY one I remember, it was like the Wolfman was everywhere that I and Mr. Frankel looked. As soon as Mr. Frankel saw him in the rearview mirror, he dove out of the car and tried to grab one of the pylons he was using to teach me how to parallel park, thinking maybe he could use it as a defensive weapon, but the Wolfman pounced on him in a second, and Mr. Frankel didn't have a chance. As his blood gushed out and flowed across the parking lot, the Wolfman came right at me, and I tried to move to my right, toward a nearby Kia Sedona, but the Wolfman anticipated this and his claws swiped at my arm with awful success, the wound nearly killing me immediately. Only the sudden appearance of a rival Wolfman, who leapt upon his foe from behind, sinking his teeth into the first Wolfman's neck, saved my life, and I crawled a quarter mile into a ditch, passing out before someone finally found me, raving and near death.
4) The EXCELLENT parking lot has some loose trash cans in it that you can use if you don't have pylons to mark your parallel parking space. The STUPID one I learned in not only didn't have any trash cans, there were all kinds of buildings around it so people could stare at you and make fun of you if you did something wrong like knocking over one of the pylons, and I'm sure they did, even though I couldn't actually hear them.
5) The FANTASTIC parking lot has probably never seen two police officers beheaded by the rival Wolfman in a grisly November parking lot attack, leading to a desperate, all-out, six-day police offensive on the rival Wolfman, who turned out to be even spookier and nastier than the first Wolfman and only went down in a hail of silver bullets after mangling three more people in the cruddy parking lot I learned to parallel park in. Plus the nice one has good drainage, so your driving lesson would never be cancelled because of giant puddles which make it impossible to teach anyone how to parallel park.
6) About half of the swell parking lot doesn't have the nice thick white stripes I like to see spaces painted with, which isn't very good. So I'm still undecided as to which one is technically better. All I know is, if I had to give one award for Best Lot To Teach Parallel Parking In, that Starbucks really tilts the scales.