Is Green Lantern Looking For Something Part Time?
Put yourself in my shoes: You're a superhero doing daily battle against the forces of darkness, staving off the world-dominating overtures of everyone from Dr. Prospectus to the Sinister Lemon People of Clavius-9, and you decide to take on a sidekick, who seems promising turns out to be more of a burden than anything else. So what do you do? I should go down in history as the first superhero ever to let his sidekick go because of poor job performance? That's what I want to be remembered for? But I just don't know what else I can do. Yesterday, I found myself in another life and death tussle with The Robot Bastard (not a great name I know, but he chose it himself, and it's pretty fitting), trapped in his lair by his fiendish henchmen, dodging bullets and kicking away flying fists of fury, and here comes RockBoy jumping down onto the scene at just the right moment to take the heat off me a little. Bang, he does exactly what he's supposed to do: shrink himself into a rock. There he is, a rock about the size of a volleyball, poised for an offensive in the middle of the action, so I run over to him to prepare to hurl him at four onrushing evildoers, thus ending the fight. And it happened again. I couldn't budge him to save my life. "You made yourself too heavy again!" I yelled at him. "I can't pick you up!" I was literally unable to move him three inches.
"I can't help it," RockBoy said. "This is the weight I get when I shrink."
Meanwhile, more bullets are flying at me, and in my capacity as The Lone Adhesive, I'm able to jump onto the nearest wall and stick to it just long enough for them to pass me, and then I cling to the back of one of the henchmen and start whaling on him, my arms completely free to strike blow after blow since my legs adhere to his waist perfectly. And I can tell that everyone's impressed, even The Robot Bastard. But without a nice big rock to throw at some people, my advantage was clearly running out. I looked down occasionally from the action to see RockBoy grunting with effort, trying to lighten himself somehow. No dice. By some complete miracle, The Robot Bastard developed some kind of kink in his wiring and he started overheating like he does a lot and we got away, RockBoy returning to his human form and running like hell. And that's the situation I find myself in today. I'm sorry, but the kid is without value. This morning we went through some exercises to try to make him useful, but he's only been able to shave off about ten ounces off his total weight when he shrinks himself, which makes him still about twice as heavy as he needs to be. I swear to God, it broke my heart to see his little eyes staring at me sheepishly from the rock-like material that his body had become, but I am not a charity. I have work to do. So I'm writing a letter of dismissal and I'm going to need you to sign it. And I need you to give it to him too, because let me tell you, I have no stomach for that kind of scene. I remember when I was managing a Foot Locker and I had to let some girl go because she was late all the time, and it just tore me up, she started bawling.....so this one's on you. I'll give you forty dollars to make it happen. You can do me this one solid, can't you?