Ten Movies I Will Never Make

1) "It's an out-of-this-world holiday romp that'll have you on a rocketship to fun!"

2) "Shelley Long hasn't been this funny since Cheers"!

3) "It's good to see Tim Allen back on the screen in a family comedy, even though some may cringe at the way Raul Julia's voice is transplanted from beyond the grave into a homophobic robot."

4) "Disney works its working-class-underdog-achieves-a-dream-by-rising-to-the-top-of-the-sporting-world magic once again, with every wonderful cliche intact, and this time it's three and a half hours long!"

5) "I don't know how many naked butts are shown in this movie----maybe a thousand, maybe two----but of this I am certain: I am done with reviewing films forever."

6) "No one has ever edited Manon of the Spring and The Howling together so seamlessly."

7) "A nitro-fueled, turbo-charged, lightning-bolt jolt of Christian action and comedy!"

8) "This bizarre sequel to Havana is comprised entirely of footage of Robert Redford playing solitaire between takes of the original....and for the most part, it works."

9) "No film in recent memory has ever been so strangely condemnatory of minotaurs."

10) "Watch out, Match Game '78---this is the documentary that uncovers all the behind-the-scenes secrets you never wanted known!"