Another Wednesday Ruined

Hey, do me a favor. Put the fries down and just look at this for a second.

Just look at the screen here. See where I’ve highlighted that block of text on this web page? Right there.

Yeah. Just tell me what it says there. No, not even word for word. Just read it quietly to yourself and confirm that it says what I think it says.

Have you gotten to the part yet? No no, ignore the photo, read the text. The text that I highlighted.

Yeah. Okay. You’ve read it? Okay. All I want you to do, because I’m not gonna look at it again, is confirm for me that it says that they did a study, and that the study says that long-term exposure to leaves causes severe health problems.

It does say that? Seriously? I didn’t mis-read it? Being around leaves over a long period of time causes severe health problems?

All right. That’s it. That’s all I need from you. Thank you. Well, actually, if you don’t mind, there's one more thing: could you just open the screen door so I can throw myself off the balcony? Because, you know, I think my life is pretty much done. If leaves kill you, then I think we’ve reached that point. That point where throwing myself off the balcony seems like it could be the thing to do.

No, wait, seriously, don’t go. Open the screen door. I’m done. Leaves, LEAVES, kill you. You just read it yourself. So if you would be so kind as to turn off the computer after I hurl myself to a merciful and quick death rather than the slow and painful one we all face if we choose to be around ANYTHING for more than FIVE SECONDS, that would be super. You’re welcome to join me, too. I’d recommend it, in fact. Because LEAVES are bad for you, it turns out. Yes. It’s right there, highlighted.

It’s a simple process, turning off the computer. Go down to the Start button, choose Shut Down, and that’s it, more or less. You can leave the monitor on. The tech guy at work said that was okay. He might be dead now, of course, from WALKING ON CARPET or, I don’t know, DRINKING A CUP OF COLD WATER, but he seems pretty smart.

It’s the end. It’s the almighty end. The end of the point of living. LEAVES. Mark the date.

You know, maybe I'll go buy a Wii.