Why Do I Read My Neighbor's Mail? Why?

Dear Ms. Barrymore,

Thank you for enrolling in Custom Celebrity Services‘ Oscar Grab program! We’re flattered that you’ve chosen us to assist you in your mid-career Oscar grab. As you know, we’ve helped more than two dozen middling actors and actresses jump-start their dream of grabbing an Oscar through the careful selection of a starring role as a pitiable but inspiring character who requires a physical transformation and/or a few hours of research for authenticity’s sake. As Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, and Sharon Stone can attest, it doesn’t take particularly great talent to bring home a nomination for an Academy Award---just good timing and the right amount of screen time as a survivor, unsung hero, tortured drunk, or crusader for somebody else’s right to do stuff! Your check for $1700 has been processed and we already have a few scripts for you to consider, each of which should go a long way toward snagging brief critical acclaim during the November and December Oscar push. Please select one (1) of the following roles, and after you choose a username and password, we’ll send you a link to a downloadable .pdf file of the script you’ve chosen to begin your quest for a few years’ worth of true Hollywood acceptance---and a couple of bigger paychecks before the studios realize you’re not really worth them after all!

Custom Celebrity Services would like to see you, D. BARRYMORE, as:

1) a fiery but nurturing high school teacher who gives a spark to inner city students by introducing them to the challenge and wonder of home canning

2) a mildly retarded gymnast who journeys on foot from her family’s trailer in Waxahachie, Texas to the bright lights of Manhattan in order to fulfill her dream of competing against other mildly retarded gymnasts and one who’s just faking it

3) the first female Civil War general, Amelia Proudheart, who leads a platoon of underfed Asian-American troops into battle and dies valiantly just hours after giving birth to the first African-American optometrist

4) a whistle-blowing reporter for the Chicago Tribune who gains and/or loses forty-five pounds in order to penetrate the secret underbelly of the cruise ship industry (or, if you prefer, gains and/or loses forty-five pounds in order to penetrate the secret underbelly of the DeVry Institute)

5) a terminally ill scientist who plays the clarinet for other terminally ill people and cures them with laughter and really awesome clarinet playing---only to learn that you can’t hurry love

Please make your final selection by September 1 so we can alert the Internet of your noble aspirations to become a legitimate actress. In the meantime, may we suggest becoming extremely vocal about a cause of some sort to generate some pre-Oscar-grab buzz? A list of possible causes can be found on the next page. We look forward to hearing from you!

PLEASE NOTE, THE NEW DEADLINE FOR MAKING A LATE-CAREER GRAB FOR THE LEAD ROLE ON A DRAMATIC SERIES FOR CABLE IS OCTOBER 9. APPLICATIONS NOT RECEIVED BY THEN WILL BE SUBJECT TO A $50 LATE FEE.