From the Mailbag

Dear Blog Owner(s):

I should like the take the opportunity afforded by this fine blog to offer what I believe is an invaluable service to our community.

Crime is rampant in our streets. The forces of EVIL have the upper hand. Do not deny it! Our police force has been stymied. It is time for ACTION.

Yes, action in the form of a powerful, secret society of SUPERHEROES the world must finally know about. I, sirs, am the linchpin of this society.

We are the LEAGUE OF QUALITY. And now we are prepared to come to the rescue of our fair metropolis. Let its hardworking citizens fear NO LONGER the tide of darkness and corruption that is ever-present. If the day must be saved, let us save it!

Apart we are strong. Together we are invincible. Each of our parts will become a whole, and as a unit we offer TODAY to rescue this city from crime. Let us introduce ourselves:

We are TOASTERMAN and SNACKBOY. Yes, Toasterman, who can at any time change himself magically into a shock resistant toaster with variable heat settings. And his partner in fighting crime, Snackboy, who can AT ANY TIME shapeshift into a plateful of nutritious snacks. Can you imagine how these awesome superpowers could combat the disease that has infected our town?

We are COLDHEAD. Coldhead, a former Vietnam hero forgotten by his country, who has gained the stunning ability to lower the temperature of his head at will to NEAR-FREEZING levels. Many is the felon who will wish he hadn't been lured into touching the head of this brave warrior. He issues a fair warning to evildoers: one touch of my cranium will send a chill down your SPINES and a bolt of fear into your HEARTS!

We are THE CHOLESTEROL KID, a young incarnation of the classic western outlaw, more than prepared to pack up his six-guns and head for the pestilence-ridden back alleys of this city. True, his persistent intake of fatty foods and oils sometimes greatly diminishes his ability and interest in rising from bed to fight crime—but beware. He is as vengeful as he is QUICK ON THE DRAW!

We are DOCTOR SYNOPSIS. This former mad genius turned to the forces of good when he saw Hiroshima bombed by the DARK SIDE of science. Now, in his vast laboratory where chemicals churn and cauldrons bubble, he works day and night. But whenever we become confused as to the order of events in one of our anti-evil sprees, he turns his brilliant brain to verbally SUMMARIZING the situation for us in one swift stroke!

We are NON SEQUITUR. Brave. Defiant. Possessed with superhuman strength. Ready with an inappropriate comment whenever we need it. Beware, criminals! His seemingly incomprehensible METAPHORS in the midst of battle will confuse and bewilder you!

We are THE INOCULATOR. He'll vaccinate you against all major spore-borne diseases—and he'll vaccinate you with terror! Fear his deadly accurate NEEDLES and SKIN TABS!

We are THE CHAMELEON. His ability to change will have crooks fleeing in terror. A courageous fighter one day—an embittered BASTARD the next—back in slightly better spirits the day after that! Think about it!

And last, we are CAPTAIN PANTS. That is I, our ringleader. I will not tell you of my powers here. Suffice it to say that I have LONG AWAITED this day. Look out, crime: it's Quality Time!

Dear sirs, use us as you will. Summon us as you must. You may not now be fully AWARE of the threat posed to this city by such powerful ARCHVILLAINS as The Spine, Dark Blackness, and the Sinister Lemon People. But WE SEE what others miss.

And we are ready for battle.


The blog responds:

Dear League of Quality,

Sorry, I don't really have any crime-fighting opportunities for you at the moment, since I'm really just one dude sitting at a computer once in a while. However, if you're not looking to be paid or anything and just want some resume-building experience, I wouldn't mind having someone come over on Tuesday afternoons to proofread this stuff for me. Proofreading is a pain in the ass.

S. Narnia

The League of Quality responds:

Dear Mr. Narnia,

We accept your offer unreservedly. The League is currently between vehicles; is there a bus that goes near you?