Fine, I Don't Need You People Anyway

Dear Mr. Narnia,

We regret to inform you that we, the directors of the International Chess Federation, have decided to revoke your membership and right to compete in any and all tournaments through 2009 based on the incident of September 4. If you wish to appeal our action, please do so in writing no later than October 1.

Frankly, it was not terribly difficult to come to this decision. We have seen many forms of dishonesty and even outright cheating during head to head matches, including the advance theft of notes and plans, the employment of sophisticated high-tech monitoring systems, and the usual overt delay tactics of frustrated opponents. But we never imagined we would see a world-ranked player of your stature suddenly whip his right hand across the board in an attempt to simply slap Mr. Diderov’s queen clear off the table before anyone could spot the absurdly visible act, nor did we truly believe our eyes when you slowly lowered your head toward the board in what appeared to be genuine concentration but was eventually revealed to be a pathetically obvious gambit to take Mr. Diderov’s sole remaining rook into your mouth and swallow it whole. Finally, your secret substitution of the board just before match time with one made entirely of gingerbread seemed to give you no advantage over Mr. Diderov whatsoever, and we are still confused as to what you hoped to gain by the switch and what you meant by your defiant cries of “Ah ha, you Pharisees, it’s all gingerbread and now I possess life eternal!” as you were dragged from the auditorium, just before you started to cry.

Please turn over your credentials to the proper authorities by 2 p.m. on Wednesday so that they may be destroyed through a crushing or burning process.

Maximilian Loin
The International Chess Federation