The Spririt That Built This Country

Dear Mom and Dad:

I know you may have trouble taking this letter seriously since I had nothing to write it on except the back of the bill for the dog’s ear medicine. But please know that I have given this matter a lot of thought and consideration, and my proposal is genuine. Last night at dinner when I brought up the Bud Cort Mirror, there seemed to be little or no reaction from anyone at the table. I would have expected my little sisters to ignore me, sure, and Uncle Bando was of course too involved in his relentless pursuit of the au gratin potatoes to hear a single thing I said, as usual. But when my own parents could not get interested in what I had to say about the stunning phenomenon of the Bud Cort Mirror, I was flabbergasted. Here I am, a nineteen year old lad just trying to figure out how I’m going to pay for my September sessions at E.Z. Wheeler's Driving School, yet suddenly blessed with possession of a yard sale mirror whose curious design and subtle lopsidedness allows anyone who gazes into it to kind of see what they would look like if they were Bud Cort. Do you have any conception at all as to how many people on this Earth would be interested to kind of know what they would look like if they suddenly morphed into the quirky star of Harold and Maude? I guarantee you this number is in the millions. My plan is simple: To charge the viewing public five dollars for the opportunity to stand before the Bud Cort Mirror for ten seconds to kind of absorb its incredible effect, thus taking in unfathomable amounts of money to be used for the future purchase of goods and services up to and including A) my hotel and restaurant management school education and B) the construction of the Bruce Dern Reflecting Pool which I described to you at length on May 9. But as the saying goes, you have to spend money to break a few eggs, and this is why I propose that you, my birth parents, immediately and without comment engage me in a loan of sixty thousand dollars to cover both insurance for the Bud Cort mirror and the construction of a parking garage just beyond the back deck, not to mention sundry

(I’m sorry, dear reader, but I have to end the blog entry a little early to gracefully accept an honor bestowed upon me within the last five seconds in the form of a very pleasant phone message from Darla Hoist at the Citizens’ Fund to Construct a Bruce Dern Reflecting Pool In Our Children’s Lifetime. To everyone at that fine organization, be assured I am only too glad to mention your cause here whenever I can, and when you go out of your way to suddenly name me your August 2007 Awareness Raiser of the Month, you make me feel both gladdened and excited anew to be associated with CFCBDRPIOCL. Onward and upward friends, onward and upward!)