Ask Danny, Materials Receiver, Herndon Optical Supply

Dear Danny,

My girlfriend of eight months doesn’t seem to be able to commit to me. She won’t even engage in a discussion about what our long-term plans with each other are, and cuts me off if I talk even casually about the future. I really care for Mandy very much. What should I do?

-Paul in Santa Fe

Dear Paul in Santa Fe,

Man, let me tell you, if I had a girlfriend, I would so do her every night. And I mean I would do her right, too. Not like these guys who think they’re all that. And we would do it in every possible way, too, I swear. I’m just in a down mode right now, what can I say. It’s just not happening for me. But it will. It’s just a matter of time.

Dear Danny,

My wife’s in-laws are wrecking my marriage! My mother-in-law came right out and told me she didn’t care for me three weeks after the wedding, and since then, I’m not invited to any family get-togethers because there’s just too much bad blood. The strain on myself and my wife is getting tangible, and she insists I should be the one to make the peace. What do you think?

-Larry in Tulsa

Dear Larry in Tulsa,

Oh yeah, the wife and mother-in-law fantasy is a good one. I know some guy who claimed he closed the deal on both, but I think he’s full of it. That would definitely be completely hot, though. There was a rumor when I was in college that Casey Stiggs, when she married Ben Trepper, had some insanely smokin’ mother, and that Ben suggested a threesome and got totally yelled at for it. If I had a wife right now, and her mother was a sizzler, I don’t know, man, the way I’m feeling, I’m not saying I wouldn’t make a play on her. I’d be busy seriously doing my wife day and night, too, even if the other part didn’t happen. Marriage is a ways off, though. I’m just in this period where nothing’s going on. I doubt another month goes by without things changing, though. Then I’ll be back in the swing of things.

Dear Danny,

My beloved wife of twenty-one years passed away last Christmas. It’s been almost ten months and the grief is still so intense I can’t even get out of bed some days. Does a sorrow this deep ever go away, or are there some people who simply cannot find a way out of it no matter how hard they try? If I’m not functional by the next Christmas day, should I simply seek counseling?

-Mark in Baltimore

Dear Mark in Baltimore,

Man, if I was married that long, you’re damn right I’d be dressing my woman up like an elf and whatnot and doing her like that. You gotta be creative or things get stale. I would so put a Santa hat on her and show her a good time. Maybe some wooden shoes or something, I don’t know, but something to make it kind of crazy, you know? Oh yeah, every day would be Christmas for her because every day she’d be getting a little present, if you know what I mean. Every damn day, dude, no fooling. You think I’m not capable? The thing is, I’m between women right now. I don’t know what it is, I’m just coming up empty in getting something going. I’m definitely ready, but I gotta get through this dry spell. When the dry spell’s over, though, man, watch out. I almost feel sorry for the next girl. She’s gonna have her hands full!

Dear Danny,

Did you just see that chick walk by with those low-riders on? And the green tanktop? Did you seriously see that stuff? What would you do with that exactly?

-Marty in St. Cloud

Dear Marty in St. Cloud,

Oh man, you gotta give me more of a heads up next time. I was checking out that redhead in the business suit. You know she’s got a great body, you can tell. Not Casey Stiggs great, but there’s definitely something going on under that blouse. Oh Lordy, if she were going out with me, there’d be no need for the suit, you getting my drift? Or do I have to spell it for you, man? I mean, I’m talking about the things I’d like to do to her. Can you imagine?

Next week, Danny answers your questions about the solar system.