The Passion of the Carbs
Thank you, Father Jentz, thank you for pulling me aside, because I agree that we should discuss this matter in private like civilized men and not disturb the pancake supper. Okay, okay, here’s why I’m perfectly entitled to partake of the offerings tonight even though I've already eaten at two previous pancake suppers for the Newly Saved in the last month: you have simply been remiss in defining the term “Newly Saved” for members of your congregation. If you recall, I first accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior on the seventeenth of January---I have it written down on this Safeway receipt right here; I remember it because I also bought Tang that day, as noted---but I had asked you to kindly rescind that acceptance because I felt ill-equipped to be saved before the long holiday weekend. Do you remember me asking you to push that back because I was going to Atlantic City? Yes, yes, and you might also recall that I was given special dispensation to attend the pancake supper before offering myself to the Lord because they were doing some spraying in my building and I was going to have to stay with my sister before going to Atlantic City and it was really the only chance I had to eat the pancakes. So we’re agreed that I was not yet fully ‘saved’ going into pancake dinner #2, right? And you’ll remember I went to that one as well because you told me I was technically newly saved since the twentieth and you forgot to print my name on the newly saved list for the January nineteenth service. Hey, your fault, not mine. And then after the second pancake dinner, you remember what happened, right? Remember we had that talk on the third of February and I said I maybe still felt more comfortable as a Druid, and then I saw you at the liquor store the next morning and I changed my mind and said I felt okay about being saved? Of course you do. So really, this is my first delicious pancake buffet supper since being “Newly Saved.” I mean, I would hate for you to think I’m just trying to scam you for free pancakes, so here’s what I’ll do, I’ll just load up my plate a couple of times and sit over there in the narthex and I won’t even talk to anyone. And then I’ll skedaddle out of here and Bam, with the last mouthful of Mrs. Swinnerton’s gynormously fantastic scrambled eggs I’ll be officially newly saved and won’t come to anymore introductory suppers and we can get cracking on this Jesus thing, because let me tell you, I am ALL about Christ from now on. I am like a piety vending machine, seriously, push any button and I’ll hook you up with some Scripture from memory. And while I have you here, let me toss something out to you: what about having different kinds of syrups for the next Newly Saved pancake supper? I've seen the collection plate when it gets passed around; we can sure as hell come up with enough scratch to get some boysenberry action in this joint. Here’s what I’m seeing: me alleviating your stress by taking over this whole deal from top to bottom, doing the organizing, printing the flyers, setting the menu, pouring the orange juice, and just generally being here every month to make sure things go off like clockwork. What do you say, J-man? Are you in or out?