Take That, Enriching World of Arts and Leisure!

Sometimes having a blog means being utterly fearless, and if I may toot my own horn, such was the case last Thursday, or as it’s now referred to, the Day of the Bloody Knife, when without reservation I took down fourteen American philharmonics in a single paragraph by referring to them as “only average,” going as far as naming names, because I felt it’s what I had to do. I regret nothing. Because I do not possess the bandwidth to respond with cutting prose to each and every savage attack that followed, I present here a brief summary of the ensuing carnage for posterity, for I shall never, ever be silenced:

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Cincinnati
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Squeezed out the entire contents of an economy-sized tube of Aquafresh into my asthma inhaler
MY RESPONSE: I stand by my courageous words

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Pittsburgh
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Somehow acquired my credit card number and subscribed me to no less than one hundred and fifty adult web sites
MY RESPONSE: You can attack me, but you cannot attack the reality of your transparent averageness

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Seattle
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Broke into my home and took my cat
MY RESPONSE: The truth I bring to the world about your middling philharmonic cannot be denied or contained; also, please bring me back my cat, as I have grown quite fond of it

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Dallas
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Called me a "numbnut bastard"
MY RESPONSE: You yourself are the thing you have accused me of being, good sir

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Phoenix
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Openly challenged my citizenship status in an essay for Atlantic Monthly
MY RESPONSE: I say again: my eleven years working for North Korean intelligence forces were a youthful mistake for which I shall not apologize again

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Baltimore
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: No action yet taken
MY RESPONSE: I take your silence to mean that you will soon quietly disband for the benefit of all who love beautiful things

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: Tampa-St. Petersburg
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Quietly left the music business
MY RESPONSE: Your overly restrained direction of The Magic Flute completely justifies your sad end

PHILHARMONIC DEVASTATED: The Boys' and Girls' Club of Flint, Michigan
CONDUCTOR'S RETALIATION: Came at me with a machete as I stood in line for Eat, Pray, Love
MY RESPONSE: Yeah, uh-huh, where's your machete now, friendo?