A List of Assfaces and Their Trespasses Against Me, the Week of 10/2/2010
1) That dude behind me in the center lane on I-70 at about 4:15 on Tuesday
I’m sorry, but I think this may be the last week I’m going to need someone to transcribe my weekly lists of assfaces and their trespasses against me. As you can see, I’m kind of running out of steam. I know you’ve been doing this for me for nineteen years and I hate to think you’ll have to look for another part-time job, but as I make out the lists I keep having this weird thought that in certain circumstances, maybe it’s me who’s the assface, not the other parties involved. Do you think this could be? I’m not sure. Whatever the cause, at this rate the only assface I’ll definitely be able to list on a weekly basis is Bob. I’ve thought about splitting him off from the assface list and making a kind of sub-list which details the actual reasons he’s on there from week to week, but honestly, I don’t think that one would have any greater chance at publication than the original.
I’ll gladly pay you through the end of the month if you could just do one wrap-up favor for me, which is to go through the lists since 1991 and circle any duplicates on them so I can get a more accurate total assface count spanning the last two decades. Also, I know I said your son could have the microphone and tape deck I bought last year to create an audio record of the lists, but if Deathraisin is really broken up for good this time, do you think I could have the stuff back to sell on eBay?
Anyway, I’d say we definitely had a good run, wouldn’t you? Lots of memories. As long as every assface since 1991 has been accurately identified, I guess I can make peace with stopping here. And while I once couldn’t imagine you going to work for Bob, I know he always needs help with his daily record of unbelievable jerkwads, and in this economy I wouldn’t blame you for going over to “the other side.”
Thanks for everything,
P.S. If it’s not too much trouble, go back and add the layout editor of Modern Scoutmaster to the list for the week of 3/27/2005. I know I have a hard rule against being retroactive, but I feel I absolutely must make an exception in this case.