Sweets for the Damned

Look, man, I’m just reporting what I saw. Whether you want to believe me isn’t my problem. Me and Jez were just kind of messing around in that old warehouse there, nothing big, we thought we might toke up and tell ghost stories or something, and we found a window that was unlocked and we went in. And there was all this machinery in there but it smelled really nice for some reason. We found all these stacks of white boxes on pallets, everything shrink-wrapped, and we went up to some of the boxes and we noticed they all said ENTENMANN’S. Entenmann’s! We figured we had totally scored, so we looked a little closer to see what we were dealing with, and that’s when we got freaked out so bad. On the label where it usually says Apple Turnover or Dutch Crumb Cake or Peach Pie Deluxe, it just said WE’RE THROUGH F***ING AROUND. That’s it. That’s all. And it was in this kind of serious typeface, not their usual friendly thing, you know? So then we peered through the crinkly window that looked in on the stuff inside the box, and oh my God...I mean, I don’t know how many fruits they put together, and nuts, and there were three different kinds of icing, and it was all in slices, and the slices were divided lengthwise by some kind of filling, and...oh man, the ingredients list just went on and on, and halfway through I was seriously thinking of killing Jez just so he wouldn’t be able to have any of it. It was like Frodo when he picks up the Ring, man. And I realized we had to get the hell out of there and tell someone about this, maybe go to the newspapers, because I don’t know what their intentions are with this, you know? You hear about these bakeries that go bad and start working on things that are like eating dessert for an entire year in one sitting, and no one should have that kind of power. All those boxes were just sitting on those pallets waiting to be shipped out...even now it might be too late to stop them. I’m worried that the security cameras got our faces...and who’s got more ability to destroy people’s lives than Entenmann’s? Probably no one. If they know we were in there, they’ll find us. So we might have to go underground, Jez and me. And maybe you, now that you know about it. And oh crap, there’s this totally hot girl in Second Life I was hitting on and I may have mentioned something. At least I think she was hot. I’m not sure why a person would make her avatar have really bad acne, but she did for some reason.

Hey man, let me ask you something: why is there some dude’s business card sticking out of your pocket? And why does it have Little Debbie’s corporate address on it? Are you---whoa, why are you walking around with a stun gun? Is that the one I gave you for Flag Day?