Let Go and Slap It!
'Bitterness' is not the word, okay? What I'm talking about is simple unfairness. How is it fair that the IRREGULAR sticker gets slapped on me but wasn't slapped on Box 4489D13, which actually had the word CHEERIOS printed on it upside down, for God's sake? So then here I go, off onto the Burkersville truck instead of Channel Heights and right onto the shelf at Dollar Bee. And let me tell ya, there ain't no coming back from the IRREGULAR sticker and the shelf at the Burkersville Dollar Bee. You want me to tell you how many months my father sat here before someone finally threw him into the dumpster out behind Old Country Buffet? Three. Three months. I swore I'd never wind up like my old man, but damn, life is vicious.
But you know what? I can rise above this. I've been listening to these self-affirmation tapes, LET GO AND SLAP IT! This dude has a 10-step program where at the end of it you can pretty much let go of anything and slap whatever's standing in front of you. First he gets you to slap small stuff, like a lamp or a jar of pickles, and then you work your way up to human beings, and then if you can achieve even higher liberation you get to slap the sides of buildings and double-decker buses and stuff like that. So I'm just going to sit right here and wear my IRREGULAR sticker and let it go and slap the can of rusty peaches beside me, then write down what I felt in my LET GO AND SLAP IT! workbook.
I wonder how much they're charging for the supposedly "regular" boxes of Cheerios at the Channel Heights Whole Foods. Like $4.19, probably. Yeah, good luck with that. For one lousy dollar I'll give you as much net weight as any box they got, and if I have a few wolf spiders in me because of the gaping hole in my side, well, I am as God made me, bub.