Partisanshipitude

Congressman, I fully respect your outrage concerning the issue before us, but as I believe I’ve stated many times for the panel, there are only so many new ideas floating around the universe, and sometimes we must simply be patient and wait for them to strike us. Please keep in mind how far we’ve come from the days when human beings were forced to show appreciation for each other’s sports-related deeds with a mere handshake. The advances made in athletic feat acknowledgement in this country are simply mind-boggling, and I’m positive that with the right funding stream, America will always stay out in front of other countries in this area. We’ve got the high-five, the low-five, the butt-pat, the fist bump, the boisterous leap into the air with the half-twist so that only the sides of the body connect, and by spring of 2011, we hope to introduce something we refer to as the Forearm Swirl, which will give any adult male a way to physically express his approval of another’s homerun, touchdown, or clutch free throw that may make all previous methods obsolete. What we must avoid, Congressman, is the temptation to panic and become too hasty with launching these things in our desire to usher in the next age of congratulating a dude for that sweet catch in the corner of the end zone. I point to the recent disasters plaguing the Federal Foundation for the Development of Stadium Sports Anthems as an example of what can happen when we panic just because the Canadians suddenly realized an old Suzanne Vega song perfectly expressed the emotions that follow when the Edmonton Oilers kill off a power play. Today, for example, is the first I’m hearing of this absurd notion of bringing props into the mix; we as a nation are years away from developing that sort of technology. I don’t care that men in the English Premier League have taken to brushing each other gently across the jaw with a loaf of raisin bread after goals; this is a different culture and our own sports franchises will not take kindly to either the expense associated with the beta testing of this trend or to being forced to adopt it just when the practice of giving each other the E.T. finger and then spinning around in a circle until dizzy has proven popular after three-pointers in the lower divisions of college basketball. And I’ll tell you something else, Congressman: I don’t appreciate being blindsided with this issue as I sit here in a bus station in El Paso. I don’t have to tell you that stalking an ex-girlfriend requires subtlety and anonymity, and I expect to be reimbursed for all the time and travel it’s taken me to adopt this most awesome disguise of a homeless man walking around with all his possessions in a cat carrier. Original twist, eh? Cat carrier? Eh?