Police Report, 10/26/09

Officer Faceworthy arrived at 400-L McLemon Industrial Park Drive to find three men standing in the parking lot of Business Center Plaza. Each was holding a big metal letter N under no small amount of strain and effort. The first man Office Faceworthy approached was Lemuel Lipps, owner of National Air Compressor Calibrations. Mr. Lipps was holding the N from the sign hanging over Foosball Suppliers of Sodstown, owned by Mr. Ronald Glackney, and threatening to smash it on the pavement. Mr. Glackney, meanwhile, was holding the N from the sign hanging over The Scented Hammocks Warehouse and threatening to smash it on the pavement while Mr. Hamish Valtz, that particular operation’s proprietor, held Mr. Lipps’ N precariously, also in an angry state and making suggestions that he would destroy the N. Each man seemed very serious in their agitation and their intent to smash each other’s Ns if they did not receive an immediate and satisfying resolution to their respective demands. Officer Faceworthy, however, despite lengthy conversations with each man, was unable to pin down exactly what it was each wanted from the other. This tense standoff went on for six and three-quarters hours with other units arriving on the scene every fifteen minutes and hostage negotiators brought in. At 8:13 p.m., Mr. Valtz was seen to knock his own sign’s N from Mr. Glackney’s hands, smashing it on the pavement. When Mr. Glackney and Mr. Lipps witnessed this shocking act, they realized that any man who was insane and dangerous enough to smash his own N was to be mortally feared, and as they trembled, Valtz quickly destroyed the other Ns. He was booked by Officer Faceworthy back at headquarters, his newborn legend riding in his wake of terror. Mr. Glackney and Mr. Lipps briefly grieved for their Ns before vacating their places of business, never to return. While in his holding cell, Mr. Valtz grinned strangely and whispered, “The time of Hamish Valtz has come.” He was fined $50 and released under his own cognizance.

Because Officer Faceworthy worked seven minutes beyond the end of his shift, he is making a formal application for overtime. Due to budget cuts, please ask Officer Faceworthy if he will instead accept a box of six (6) Safeway-brand sugar cones in lieu of pay.